


News

by SantaMalgastadora



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Childbirth, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Heavy Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Jealousy, Light Angst, Nausea, Possessive Behavior, The bestest friend Asra, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-14 04:37:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19266031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SantaMalgastadora/pseuds/SantaMalgastadora
Summary: Apprentice has been feeling quite awful lately. She has an idea why but she'd like to make sure before she'd tell her husband or friend. The problem is it seems that the whole universe is against her and the two men do not make it any easier for her.





	1. Friday

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr. I'm [santamalgastadora](https://santamalgastadora.tumblr.com/).

I was asleep, vaguely aware of Julian’s warm body pressed against my side, and pale light of dawn creeping into the bedroom. Sudden feeling of unease in my stomach made me move and slide Julian’s arm from my belly. He didn’t notice it. I tried to sink back into sleep but the feeling grew and after a few minutes I had no choice but open my eyes and sit up.

“Oh…” I moaned and covered my mouth as my head spinned unpleasantly, and nausea hit me right in the chest. I tried to overcome it but it was futile and a moment later I was untangling myself frantically from the sheets, and storming into the bathroom. I barely got to open the toilet before I threw up. I coughed and then, I puked again, and again. I was scared to even take a deeper breath not to cause more come out of me. I kept still for a few minutes, sweaty and shuddering, bracing myself for another wave but luckily it never came. Only then I let myself take a long, trembling breath, and I heard an insistent knock on the door.

“[name]? Can you hear me? Are you alright?” Julian was calling me nervously. He must have been there for a while - he sounded very worried. “[name]! Can I come in? I’m coming in, I’m sorry…” He burst into the bathroom. I didn’t mind, not that I had strength or courage to let a sound out of my throat yet. “Oh my, are you alright, darling?” He knelt next to me and touched my arm cautiously.

I nodded, which apparently was too sudden move, and another wave of nausea washed over me. I closed my eyes and shivered.

“Easy, easy. Don’t move. Slow, small breaths,” Julian whispered to me, barely touching me. He was only gently brushing away wet strands of hair from my forehead and cheeks. “You’ll be better soon. Just breathe. I’m here.”

With him by my side, I calmed down in a few minutes. “Thanks,” I mumbled carefully not to shutter my fragile wellbeing.

He stood up for a moment and knelt down again. “Here.” He handed me a glass of water. “Do you want to wash your mouth?”

I accepted the glass from him, took a tiny sip and spit it out.

“Slowly,” he repeated and put a hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

When I was done and more or less better, I gave him the glass back. “Help me up?”, I asked weakly.

“Of course.” He held me under my arms, helped me to get up and perch on the edge of the bathtub. “How are you, dear?” he asked, kneeling in front of me and putting his hand on my forehead and neck to check my temperature.

“Better. Thank you.”

“You don’t seem to have a fever. I hope you’re not ill. I hope I didn’t drag anything dangerous from the clinic. I don’t recall having any grave case lately…” he went on, a look of panic and guilt growing quickly on his face.

“Julian,” I managed to speak and took his hands in mine. “I’m better, I’m not ill, don’t worry, please. I’m fine now. It’s probably something I ate yesterday, nothing more. It happens.”

“You sure? Maybe, just in case, I’ll give you something for food poisoning, okay? Please?”

“Yes, why not.”

He jumped to his feet. “I’ll be back in a second,” he said, gave me a kiss on the top of my head and run downstairs to the kitchen and his reserve of medicines.

While he was gone, I drew myself a bath. I pulled off my cold, damp nightshirt, and crept into the warm water. I sighed. I did feel better.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” I heard Julian shout from the stairs. He ran into the bathroom, then froze and blushed at the sight of me naked as he always did, even though it was not the first or even second time he saw me naked, which was kind of sweet.

“Oh, honey…” I sighed with affection.

He snapped out and smiled at me. “Sorry, dear, I can’t help it. You’re stunning.”

“Yeah, I bet, so pale and sweaty, dishevelled and dizzy.”

He knelt by the bathtub and looked at me lovingly. “Of course. You’re always beautiful. Here,” he said, when I opened my mouth to argue, handing me a cup. “It’s chamomile tea with herbal drops. Do you think you can drink it?”

“I’ll try. Thank you so much.” I took a tentative sip of the tea. It was lukewarm, bitter but quite tasty.

“No problem, darling. I hope you’ll be better. I’d hate it if you got ill.”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry. It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure? Maybe stay at home today? I may drop by at the shop and let Asra know that you’re not feeling well, how about that?”

“No, I’m fine, I really am.” I finished the tea and gave him the cup. “See? I’m okay. I’m gonna get out now. Want to look?” I dared him with a grin.

Julian laughed and blushed and looked down, which made him look right on my breasts and blush deeper. “I… oh my, well… yeah, I… I’ll get you a towel.” He dived into the cabinet for one. When he re-emerged, I was already standing up. This time his gaze lingered on my body, making  _ me _ blush.

“You’re amazing, [name],” he sighed happily. “And you’re mine.” He embraced me, wrapping me with the towel, and took me out of the bathtub.

I kissed him lightly on the lips. “I should be getting to the shop.”

“Alright. And I guess I should be getting to the clinic.” He kissed me back. “I’ll be worried about you.”

“No need, sweetheart, I’m alright.”

“But you’ll call for me if you get worse?”

“Of course,” I promised, though I’d hate to worry him more and distract him from his work. “I need to dress up and go,” I said, backing away.

“Sure. Me, too. I’ll see you in the evening then, right?”

“Of course. Have a nice day, Julian.” I kissed him one last time and closed the door behind me. I was still feeling quite weak but I dressed up as fast as I could and left. I set a quick pace – well, quick enough not to make me stumble against walls. The closer I was to the shop, the dizzier I felt.

Just before the door, I stopped and took a few deep breaths, which slowed down my pulse but didn’t quite calmed me. I only hoped for Asra to be out.

“Good morning! Sorry I’m late,” I called as I walked in. To my disappointment, Asra was there dusting shelves with potions.

“Hello, [name]. No problem. I’ve just opened,” he greeted me with a smile. “Are you alright? You look a little pale.”

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s just… I didn’t sleep well,” I brushed it off. I took off my shawl and got to work. It was Friday, the day when we check the stock and the book, and, luckily, my turn to do it.

“Oh, do you want me to make some coffee?” Asra offered.

The thought of the strong, bitter taste made me feel nauseous again. I took a breath and hid it behind a yawn. “No, no, thank you. I just need to keep myself busy. It’ll keep me awake alright.”

“Alright. Let me know if you change your mind,” he shrugged and got back to dusting.

I started inventory checking, however not from the shelf I was most anxious to get my hands on, not to cause any suspicions.

We worked in silence. I moved steadily toward the shelf with the product I needed. I wished Asra could just go away for even a second so I could grab it unnoticed. But no… His clean-everything-in-sight state kicked in and nothing could distract him. I sighed quietly and decided to calm down and focus on my job. First of all, I didn’t want my anxiety to influence quality of the check. Second of all, and I admitted it with resignation, a small delay wouldn’t change a thing.

“Do you mind if I leave you here?” he asked suddenly. “I’m done and now I’d go and prepare more pep-up potion. It goes like crazy at this time of the year, you know.”

I checked the part with those just a minute ago. “Good idea. There are only three left.”

“Then, I better prepare it fast,” he laughed. “Call me if you need me,” he said before he disappeared behind the door.

“Sure…” I mumbled. I pretended to count bottles of sleeping potions, too excited to really do it. “…nine, ten, eleven, tw… erm… twenty, twenty-one…” I was listening out for Asra’s footsteps. I didn’t want to get caught in case he came back. I didn’t hear anything, so I decided to move quickly to the last shelf at the bottom. To my relief, there were numerous vials of…

“Hello?”

I jumped, nearly dropping the book. “Sorry! I didn’t hear you coming in. Hello, please, how can I help you?”

This customer was an easy one. They knew what they wanted, I had it, they payed and left. Sadly, like it usually is, after hours of nothing, this one customer kind of caused a wave of many others. I was so busy, that I didn’t have time to finish the check, not to mention to nab a vial I needed.

Finally, Asra returned with a box of fresh potions. He looked around at about five persons waiting in a line. “Oh, wow. What a busy day! Why didn’t you call me? I’d have helped you.”

“It’s alright, I manage”, I reassured him, smoothly packing a protection charm into a pouch. “Nobody requested reading yet, so I kept an eye on the shop all the time.”

“Don’t you want a break?”

“Well… Yes, I’d use one.”

“Go then. I got it. Hello, how can I help you?” Asra took over the next customer right away.

I grabbed my shawl and went outside. Cool air freshened me up. With a growling sound from my stomach and a new wave of nausea I realised I hadn’t had breakfast and it’d been already afternoon. Even though, I definitely didn’t feel like eating. I sighed sadly, and suddenly I felt so miserable that I had to stop and press my palms to my face not to burst out crying. It took me quite a while to get myself together. When I calmed down, I looked around with shame, but luckily nobody paid attention to me, everyone was busy with their errands. I moved on still shocked that I reacted like this. It wasn’t like me. It was strange and revived my anxiety. My stomach clenched painfully and I felt as if I were about to throw up again but I managed not to. Damn, I had to eat. I couldn’t starve all day or I’d faint and then that would be just lovely. Asra would never again leave me alone in the shop, Julian would go nuts with worry, and then I’d lose my mind, too, even before him, I suppose. No, I wouldn’t let that happen. I made my mind and headed straight to the bakery. I guess it’d be easier for me to make myself eat if I had something I like.

“[name]! Good afternoon!” Selasi, the baker greeted me joyfully. “The same as always for you? Today, I added extra cinnamon. It’ll wake you up.”

“Yes, please,” I said by reflex, but then I did smell the cinnamon and other intense spices. “On a second thought, no, maybe something more, say, delicate in taste?”

He winked at me. “I’ve got just the thing. I’ll be right back!”

I found an empty seat in the corner. It was a busy day in here, too, and the noise was making me nervous. I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes. What was happening? Why was I feeling so bad? It’s never happened before…

“Here you go,” Selasi announced, placing on the table a steaming cup, a couple of fresh, white buns and a small bowl of butter. “You ok, [name]? You seem pale.”

“Really? No, I’m fine, thank you. It must be the weather. I’m a bit tired, that’s all,” I lied smoothly.

“Oh, yes! You know, I’ve been feeling tired, too. But d’you know what’ll fix you up? Pumpkin bread!” He punched me friendlily in the shoulder.

I smiled at him. “Hmm, shame I didn’t order one. But my stomach seems a bit uneasy, you know,” I added in a hushed voice.

“Oh! I get it. The tea should do you good, then. Let me know if you want more, okay?”

“Yes, sure. Thanks.”

“Bon appetit!” 

I looked at my meal. I started with the tea. I took a few sips without a problem and it did seem to soothe my stomach. Then, I tore a tiny piece of bread, dipped it in the creamy butter and put it in my mouth. The wonderfully soft texture and subtle taste made me realise how hungry I was and, thankfully, made it so much easier to eat.

I ate the portion and thought I may order another but decided against it. I certainly did not want to have too much and throw up again. I finished and said goodbye to the baker. I headed back to the shop hoping that I’d have more luck in the afternoon. I really did need the damn vial…

I came in the shop and almost called out to Asra… But I stopped myself. The shop was empty. Finally, then, I had a chance. I closed the door silently, took off my shawl, moved carefully to the shelf…

“[name]?” Asra peeked from the backroom, startling me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“That’s alright. That’s because I’m tired,” I laughed, masking my disappointment and nausea.

“Do you want to leave early today?” He approached me, looking at me worryingly.

I tried to act normally and think quick. The last thing I wanted was more questions either from Asra or Julian. Well, I wouldn’t get them at the shop if I left early, but then I would get them at home. What I had to decide was to which one of the men I preferred to lie.

I decided.

“I have the inventory check to finish,” I said. “I didn’t finish in the morning. I’ll update it now if you take care of customers.”

Asra smiled at me. “Yes, of course. Wow, [name], what a thoroughness! Is there a contest for the employee of the month I don’t know about?”

I laughed sincerely and relaxed a little. “Why, Asra, do you feel at risk?”

“Now I do, yes!” he laughed, too.

Right then, a customer walked in.

Asra bowed. “Please, welcome. May I be of service?”

“Asra, you clown,” I mumbled for only him to hear.

Without looking at me, he sent a light sting at my side, which made me let out a surprised squeak. Then, he engaged in a conversation with the customer, letting me rerun the check. For a while, I even thought that I might have a chance to grab a vial without anyone noticing, but then they moved right next to  _ the _ shelf.

For the rest of the day, Asra was quite busy, and there was always something or someone in my way. After some time, I grew too frustrated and disappointed to even try, so I just focused on the check but I didn’t have more luck with this, either. I was absolutely scatterbrained. I counted over and over again, couldn’t get the correct number. A few times, I caught myself counting again and again the same vial or box. Suddenly, it was already getting dark, I was far from finished, and was feeling worse with every passing hour.

“[name]? [name], can you hear me? Hey!”

Asra touched my arm, making me almost jump out of my skin. “Damn, you scared me!”

“Sorry, but I’ve been calling you.”

“You’ve been?” I didn’t hear him.

“[name], you’re falling asleep standing up. You really should go home.”

“But… but I haven’t finished the check.”

Asra took the book out of my hands. “Don’t worry, it’s not that urgent. You can finish it tomorrow, after you’ve gotten a good, long sleep, alright?”

“Oh, alright,” I gave up and started to dress up to leave.

“[name]?”

“Yes?”

“That’s my scarf.”

“Is it?” I asked dumbly and looked down at myself. Right, it wasn’t my shawl. “Sorry.”

“You know what, I’ll walk you home,” Asra decided. He took the scarf from me and wrapped it around his neck.

“What? Why? No, you don’t have to. I’m fine.”

“[name], you’re definitely not fine. I’m worried you won’t get home, and then, I’ll have to explain myself to Ilya.”

“How the hell would I not get home? You’re exaggerating. I’m just a bit tired today, that’s all,” I defended myself as I got to the door.

“[name]…”

“It’s nothing, really!”

“What about your bag?” Asra demonstrated it to me.

I looked at it. For a second, I wanted to say it wasn’t mine and that he was pulling my leg, but then, I blushed and took it from him. “Thanks. I’m just tired,” I mumbled, embarrassed.

“Come on, let’s get you home.” He took me out and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

On the way, he tried to get from me what was wrong but I was stubborn and exhausted, so I stuck to simple ‘nothing’ and ‘I’m tired’. Finally, he gave up and the rest of the way, we walked in silence.

In front of my house, I spread my arms with a flourish (a consequence of being married to Julian). “Voilà! See? I got home. Almost by myself. You didn’t lead me.”

“Yeah, and you walked straight for most of the way, too.”

“[name]? Asra…?” Julian was walking our way. He frowned. “Is something wrong?”

“No, no, nothing…”

“Good evening, Ilya. [name], I leave you in good hands. Goodnight.” He winked at me, smiled at Julian, and left.

“Goodnight,” Julian responded absentmindedly. He looked worriedly at me. “Are you alright, darling? Did something happen to you? Let’s come in. Were you feeling sick again?” he kept asking, while opening the door, checking my pulse and temperature, and helping me undress at the same time.

“Yes, Julian, no, and also no. You worry too much,” I brushed it off.

“It's because you felt so bad today. I was worried about you all day. What kind of doctor would I be if I couldn't take care even of you. Especially of you.”

“I know, I know, but I'm better now, I really am.”

“Good. I'm relieved.” He kissed my forehead. “Um, you know what… Oh, never mind,” he stumbled. He rubbed his rapidly blushing face and turned away from me to hang his coat.

“What is it?”

“No, nothing, really. Just a thought. Nothing important.”

“Julian, come on. What's bugging you?”

“Bugging me? No, it’s not  _ bugging _ me. I just thought to myself that, um… Because today, I came home especially earlier for you and I ran into you two, and… uh... I've been just wondering since when does Asra, you know, walk you home,” he blurted out. “It-it just… seemed kind of, you know, unexpected to me. I'm just wondering… It’s nothing.”

I was stunned. What ideas was he getting? “Since… Since never. It was this one time. I mistook his shawl for mine and suddenly he was all worried if I was even able to get here by myself, and so he insisted on walking me here. That’s all.”

Julian nodded, seeming embarrassed. “Yes, sure. Sorry. I don’t know what was I thinking.”

“That’s alright.” I took pity on him and hugged him. “I love you.”

He wrapped his arms around me willingly and pressed his cheek to the top of my head. “I love you, too. And I’m glad that you have Asra to care about you, too.”

“Are you?” I teased him.

“Yes, I am,” he managed to maintain the certainty in his voice.

“And you are not even a teeny-tiny bit jealous?”

He hugged me tighter. “Of course not, not a tiny bit. I am rather a big, huge, enormous, unbelievable bit jealous. It’s like acid in my veins. Like a shadow lurking in a corner of my tortured mind. Oh, I'm sorry…”

“Oh dearest,” I sighed and brought myself to stand on my tiptoes and peck his lips. “No need to. I’m yours and only yours, don’t you know it?”

“I do, oh I do.” He peppered my face with kisses. “I’m sorry.”

“I think I’ll go to bed. I’m a bit tired.”

“Yes, of course. But are you sure you’re not ill? You seem pale.” He pressed the back of his hand to my forehead again.

“Why is everybody saing that? I just need sleep. I had a rough night and morning but now I feel better,” I snapped at him, which made my insides twist with shame.

“Alright, darling. But do call me if you need anything, okay? I think I’ll stay here for a while longer and read. Is that alright?”

“Of course.”

“Sweet dreams, love.” He kissed my cheek one last time, and I went upstairs.

I freshened up and went straight to bed. I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I was sick with guilt and with whatever was going in with me. I was acting wrong and ridiculous. I was lying to my dear Julian and good Asra. And why? I wanted to find out what was wrong with me, I had my ideas, and I wanted to test them before I worry anyone, especially Julian. But why, oh why the only way to achieve it was lying? I hated it. I hated myself for it.

Just a little bit longer, I promised to myself. After all, how difficult determining why I feel so horrible can be? Today, I had bad luck but tomorrow I’ll do it better, I’ll find out what was going on, and the farce will be over.

Like this, bothered by shame, anxiety, and tantalised by hope, I managed to fall asleep. At night, I woke up constantly, tortured by nausea and nightmares. Once, I woke up from a very disturbing one and noticed that Julian still wasn’t in bed. Worried, I got up from hot, damp sheets, and went downstairs.

In the living room, it was dark. There were only embers left in the fireplace. I squinted and saw that the clock claimed it was past one o’clock.

Julian was half-laying on the sofa, asleep, with a book open on his chest and an arm thrown over his face. I sighed and smiled at the view. He did it again. I carefully slipped the book from his hands, and he moved and inhaled sharply.

“Easy, easy,” I whispered. “It’s me. You fell asleep on the sofa again, dear.”

“Really? Sorry,” he mumbled, still half-asleep. “What time is it?”

“Late. Come on. Come to bed.”

Julian murmured and let me lead him to the bedroom. In bed, he snuggled close to me and instantly fell back asleep.

With him so close to me, so loving, trusting and oblivious, my guilt and worry rekindled, and I didn’t sleep a wink for the rest of the night. And at dawn, I was sick again, but this time, I didn’t wake Julian up, so he had no idea how bad I felt.


	2. Saturday

At the shop, Asra was constantly watching me as if I could faint any moment. He was getting on my nerves.

“You’re still pale, [name],” he cared to inform me.

“Yes, well, maybe I was always pale but you’ve never noticed,” I replied, maybe a little bit too maliciously than I should, but at least it stopped Asra from similar remarks for the rest of the day. However, it didn’t stop him from keeping an eye on me like on a child. And by that means, he baffled my plans of snatching a vial from the bottom shelf, which annoyed and frustrated me to the limits.

In the late afternoon, Asra walked an umpteenth customer from the backroom to the exit. He yawned loudly the moment he closed the door behind them.

“Tired?” I asked him hopefully. Maybe he'd finally go away. 

“Yes, a bit. It was quite a day.”

“Want to close already? Or maybe go and have a rest? I'll manage myself.”

“No, no. I’m alright. I may stay for a few hours more, but you feel free to go. I think the worst is behind us.”

Damn it. But, well, at least I have a chance to get away from his gaze. So I rubbed my eyes and yawned, too. “Yes, I am  _ sick _ … um, of that day already. Yes, I think I’ll go if it’s fine by you,” I said wrapping the shawl around my shoulders.

“Sure, have a rest.” Asra came over and gave me a hug. “Goodnight, [name].”

“Goodnight.”

I left the shop and went home feeling frustrated, with heavy heart and uneasy stomach. All I could do was hope I’d have more luck the next day. I also hoped bitterly that Julian would come home late this time, so I wouldn’t  have to pretend I was alright again or feed him with silly explanations.

I wasn’t sure yet what was happening to me and I just couldn’t… I  _ wouldn’t _ tell him anything or even give him a hint, and risk that I’d disappoint him later.

My selfish wish was granted and Julian was working late in the clinic. I had a cup of camomile tea to soothe my nerves and stomach, alone in the empty house, bothered only by my thoughts and bad feelings. And maybe it was the tea or maybe it was because of another terrible day, but I went to bed and fell asleep within minutes, and didn’t hear Julian come back.


	3. Sunday

When I woke up and ran to the bathroom like the day before, Julian was already gone. I took another opportunity of being alone gratefully, and I cried. I cried a lot, wetly, loudly. I felt so bad, and I kept feeling worse and worse for days now, and I still didn’t know why. And I should had found out days ago and not let it come to that now, I was so sick and miserable I couldn’t even eat. I was bothered by suppositions and doubts, hope and fear. I felt so frustrated and scared, I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t know what to hope for. I felt bad for pretending and lying. And I missed Julian… I missed him so much. We had so little time for each other lately. I wish I could just tell him everything. But damn, I needed to be sure first.

So, I decided. I find out  _ today _ . I take a chance to get the vial or come up with something to distract Asra and just find the hell out.

I went out determined and with a plan. When I got to the shop, Asra was already there, serving a customer. I greeted them and stood behind the counter, pretending to put things back in their places. Meanwhile, I kept replaying the last few days over and over in my head involuntarily. It made me feel terribly guilty and lonely, but at least, I revised my mistakes and now, I knew how to get what I needed.

However, before I could put my little plan into action, I had to wait. The customer was exceptionally stubborn, and even though Asra was handling them well, they spent almost forty-five minutes at the shop and ended up getting the very first thing Asra suggested to them. I was annoyed beyond belief.

“Oh my, it was a difficult one, wasn’t it,” I huffed.

“I thought they would never leave!” Asra exclaimed. “I was this close from putting a curse on them.”

“Which one?”

“I don’t know. They went out before I decided.”

I laughed. “It was their lucky day, then.”

“Not mine, for sure.”

That was my moment to try. “How about a coffee?” I asked. “Or tea? To soothe the nerves.”

“Yes! Tea. I need a tea.”

“Do you want me to…”

“No, no, no, I’ll make the tea. I need a while to… Ugh! I need a while,” Asra laughed, shaking his head, and went out to the kitchen.

I sighed relieved. Finally. Asra was gone and no customer was in the shop. I took a step toward the shelf…

Asra popped out from behind the door and made me start.

“I didn’t ask if you want tea too.”

“Yes, yes, I do. Thank you,” I blurted out.

Asra nodded, gave me a worried look, and disappeared behind the door.

I cursed under my breath. I was in such a haste I dropped my guard. Damn… I waited a while listening out and only when I was absolutely sure that Asra was busy, I quickly got to the shelf, grabbed a vial, pocketed it and returned to my spot behind the counter.

Asra came back with two mugs a few minutes later, giving me time to calm down a little bit. I even managed to smile quite sincerely at him when I thanked him.

We sipped our teas in a much more pleasant atmosphere. We chatted, enjoying a while without customers. Slowly, my irritation of him was wearing down. I smiled, I laughed, I joked with Asra, however inside, I still was screaming and squirming in fear. All I wanted to do was to run off to the bathroom. Luckily, this was the easy part.

I finished my tea. “Excuse me.”

The closer I was to the bathroom, the more nervous I got. I was so tense I thought I may throw up again. And God, barely did I lock the door behind me, I did. And then, I burst out crying. Oh, I hated it! I was so sick and tired of this state, whatever it was, I wanted it to end! I was ill, I must had been. I must tell Julian, he’ll treat me. But first…

I fished out the vial from my pocket and stared at it through tears.

First, I had to find out if I was… I mean,  _ that  _ I was  _ not _ … well,  _ this _ .

I took a deep, shuddering breath and wiped the tears from my eyes. I recalled Asra’s instructions of use of this pregnancy test – I heard him explain the procedure to women a hundred times. I punctured my finger with a needle I found in the cabinet. I pulled the cork out of the vial, squeezed a few drops of blood into the transparent liquid and put the cork back in, then shook it. The point was that if the liquid stayed pink, there was nothing to worry about, so to speak. If it turned light blue…

…like the liquid in my vial just did…

I gasped and dropped it, and it shattered on the floor, splashing the telltale liquid on my shoes. I don’t know for how long I stood like this, staring at the mess, with my mind blank.

A knock on the door startled me out of my stupor.

“[name]? Are you alright?” I heard Asra’s voice.

“Yes…” I said, but I barely heard myself. I cleared my throat. “Yes. I’ll be out in a second.”

I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move, but I had to. I clenched and unclenched my fists, touched my face and hair. I wiped away dried tears from my cheeks and neck, and focused on breathing. I looked at the mess on the floor and my shoes, and managed to cast a simple spell to clean it up. I touched my hair again and straightened my clothes, breathed again, and went out of the bathroom. On stiff legs,  I went down the stairs, entered the shop and took my place behind the counter. I tried to think, to process what I’d just found out, but I couldn’t, my mind went completely numb. I felt empty, disconnected from my body, not able to think nor feel.

“…don’t you think?” Asra’s voice got to me as if from very far away. “Hm? [name]? Are you here?”

“Huh? Sorry?” I turned to look at him.

“Are you okay? You seem strange lately.”

“Do I? Why? No, no, everything’s fine,” I brushed it off mechanically and wiped my hands on my skirt. I didn’t realise how sweaty they were. Damn, I was all sweaty and hot, and cold, and terrified, and nervous…

And then, the first clear thought appeared in my mind since I broke the vial – I very much wanted to be alone again. Like, right  _ now _ . 

“Asra?”

“Hmm?”

“Listen, um… Will it be alright if I leave early today, too? I mean, now?”

Asra looked worriedly at me. “Did something happen? Are you sick? Or… is it something about Ilya?”

I hated him so much right now. I felt his eyes analysing my aura and trying to see through my mind and my very soul. Luckily for me, both my head and heart were empty – nothing to read from there. Having realised that, I felt quite immune to Asra’s scrutiny, and so, I shrugged.

“No, I'm fine.  _ We're _ fine, too,” I spoke lightly while putting my shawl on. “Actually, I am still tired. It’s been a busy month, wasn’t it?”

Asra gave me a suspicious look. “Oh yes, people go crazy this time of year,” he replied only.

“Right. So… Maybe you’d like a day off, too? It’s not like you to be in the same place for such a long time.”

Asra laughed. “Yeah, maybe. But it is good to work normally from time to time, too.”

“Yes, but I need to catch my breath. Will you be alright alone for the rest of the day? And perhaps tomorrow?”

“Sure. But, [name]…” He approached me and put his hands on my shoulders. “Whatever happens, you’re not alone, you know that, right?”

I gave him a smile as friendly as I could with the irritation quickly swelling in my chest. “Of course I do,” I said through teeth I didn’t realise I was clenching. “Thank you,” I added, trying to sound nicer. I was about to turn around to leave but Asra managed to pull me into a hug. I let him embrace me for a while but when I already felt like yelling at him, I moved away (gently, I hope), said bye, and left.

I set a fast pace and wrapped the shawl around my head like a hood to hide my face. By the time I got to Coliseum, I was seething.

Damn it, Asra! The nerve of his! How dare he treat me like…like… like a new riddle! I’m not a child, I’m not a pet. I’m not  _ his  _ pet, not anymore. And Julian and I are none of his business! Still, he lets himself stare at me and analyse me like a broken…  _ thing _ , right then and there ready to go and fix me with or without my permission. But did it cross his mind that I didn’t need his attention nor help? That I didn’t want those? Because I didn’t. I did not want him in my business. Damn! I didn’t want  _ anyone _ in my business. Not him, not Julian, not Portia, Nadia,  _ no one _ . At least not until I decided that there even was a business they could poke into. And I started to have doubts about that.

The thing was that Asra’s pregnancy test was not 100% sure. According to our unofficial statistics, it could be approximately 80% correct, maybe 85% if we were being optimistic or a client was hesitating. Anyway, it meant that I not necessarily was… well,  _ that _ . I could be ill. Or I could be ill and in fact, be getting fine right now but working myself up the silly suspicion, hence the nausea and irritation. Yes, there was nothing to worry about. At least, not yet. I mean, I had no proof. The test was no proof.  _ One  _ test was no proof. Of anything. So… I needed one more test. At least.

Submerged in those angry, vicious thoughts, I didn’t pay attention to where I was going. Only after having reached the conclusion did I noticed that it was almost completely dark and that I got to the East Docks. The calm, steady sound of waves gliding over the shore seemed to mock my distress. Tears swelled again in my eyes. I turned my back at the water and looked at the city lights. My first thought was that it was very late, that I was far away from the shop and home, and should get back. A sting of homesickness and longing for my Julian pierced through my chest.  _ I missed him so much _ . I was tired and stressed. I’d love to just run away with him, just the two of us, somewhere, anywhere, like we used to before he started the clinic and regular work. I bet he’d want that, too. But on the other hand… I couldn’t return yet. I was so confused, so scared, and wasn’t even sure if I had the reason to be. I needed to do one more test tonight or I wouldn't fall asleep. Or I wouldn't know how to face Julian. I needed to know if to… I wasn’t sure what. If to feel sick again? If to be afraid? If to lie and pretend that everything was fine, that I wasn’t worried out of my mind because I didn’t know if I was ready for  _ this _ ? If  _ we  _ were ready?

“Oh my god…” I sighed, feeling overwhelmed, and wiped the tears from my cheeks with a sleeve, struggling to collect myself.

Anyway, I draped the shawl tighter around my arms and headed back to the shop. A shiver went through me. The night was cold and dark, and I was so alone with this problem, and about to break into my own shop and steal. What a night.

The streets were almost completely empty when I finally got to the shop. It must had been already after midnight, and Asra had already closed and gone to bed. I put my key in the hole. The lock let go smoothly. For a while, I had an idea to put a notice-me-not spell on myself but on the second thought Asra would rather sense my magic than hear me get in, so I took the risk and went magicless. The door swung open soundlessly. It was dark inside but I knew the shop like the back of my hand, so I had no problem to get to the right shelf and take a vial. And after a quick thought, three more.

“ _ Who here?” _ , I heard a quiet voice and at the same time, something touched my foot.

I almost jumped out of my skin. I looked at the floor and tried to see through the darkness. “Faust? It’s just me,” I whispered.

A pair of yellow eyes glowed up at me. “ _ Help? _ ”

“No, thank you. I… just needed to get one thing,” I said. Somehow, I didn’t see the point to lie to Faust. “I have to go now but, well, may I ask you of something?”

“ _ Help! _ ”

I smiled at her gratefully. “Please don’t tell Asra I was here tonight. It’s not important, no point to bother him, you know.”

Faust winked at me. “ _ No point. _ ”

“You’re a dear. Thank you. Goodnight.”

I slipped outside and locked the door. However, I didn’t relax. I still had to go back home and I felt in my bones I was in trouble.

And I wasn’t wrong. When I got there, the lights were on. I opened the door and went inside. Julian was up and moreover, still with his jacket and boots on. He was pacing in the living room, pale as a ghost and dishevelled.

“Julian?” I uttered through clenched throat.

He turned abruptly and gave me a tortured look, then hunched, looking both relieved and exhausted.

“I’m sorry I’m so late…” I mumbled but didn’t finish, because in no time, he approached me and swept me into his arms. He hold me tight, so tight I couldn’t move, as if he was afraid I would disappear, which surely was the point. A red-hot guilt and shame filled my stomach. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

I felt Julian shake his head and press his face more firmly into my neck.

I didn’t know how to understand it. I didn’t have to apologise? He didn’t accept it? An apology wasn’t enough?

Almost at the same time, I felt something wet creep down my neck. I froze. Oh my god, no… My heart broke. Julian was crying. My love, my sweetheart was crying. I made my dear Julian  _ cry _ . How could I…? I opened my mouth to apologise again, to beg, to comfort him, to say anything to make him stop, but before I managed to form any words, I heard him say:

“I was so scared.”

He put emphasis on each word, and each of them was like a stab into my breaking heart. I felt so ashamed I didn’t even know what to say anymore. Nothing seemed right, nothing seemed enough.

“I looked for you everywhere,” he continued. “I was at the shop but it was closed, Asra didn’t answer. I was at the market, at Rowdy Raven, even at Mazelinka’s and at the palace. I run back and forth for hours… It’s one a.m., [name],” he said suddenly, the sound of my name making my insides clench painfully, and moved to look at me. “Where have you been?”

I couldn’t bring myself to look back at him. I think I have never felt so bad in my entire life. I didn’t realise it was so late or that Julian had done so much to find me. Why didn’t I? I knew him so well… How could I be so reckless?

“I needed a walk,” I answered sheepishly.

I was still refusing to look at him, so he put a finger under my chin, tipped my head back and made me hold his gaze. He wasn’t pale nor crying anymore. He was looking dead serious straight into my eyes. It made me want to move away from him, made me want to hide, but his hands, both under my chin and on my arm, were firm enough to keep me in place.

“A walk,” he repeated after me. “Until one a.m.?”

I closed my eyes, I couldn’t bear it. Rarely was he so angry with me but when I already managed to get under his skin like tonight, I couldn’t stand it. I would do anything to make him forgive me. I just wanted it to be good again.

I looked somewhere around his forehead, too ashamed to stand his gaze. "You're absolutely right. I... I have no excuse. I'm so sorry. I went for a walk to think, I got a little far-off, and before I knew it, it was night and I was at the docks. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. It was so stupid of me."

Julian let go of my chin and frowned worriedly. "Think about what? Did something happen? Are you in trouble? Why don't you talk to me?"

My stomach clenched in fear. Well, great. And what do I say now? "N-no, no, it was nothing. It's nothing..." I blurted out, not believing my own stupidity. So first I say I disappeared for such a long time to think and then I claim it was nothing important? Great, just great. Could I hurt Julian any more tonight?

I guess Julian went through a similar train of thought because he looked at me with a mixture of doubt and disappointment. He stepped back as if to turn around and go away but something on the level of my arm seemed to catch his eye.

"What is it?" I moved anxiously.

He reached out to me and took something out of my hair. It was a short, white hair.

"Asra's?" he half asked, half stated.

"I guess," I replied, suddenly feeling my face burn.

That was even better. I could imagine what Julian was thinking right now. Just great. I braced myself for a row, for tears, questions, accusations and self-blaming... But Julian only nodded, looking miserable, turned around and headed upstairs.

I stayed as I was. I didn't dare move. I listened to the sounds from our bedroom. Julian threw his coat and boots on the floor with a thud. He went to the bathroom, ran some water for a minute. Then, I heard a swish of the sheets. He went to bed. Alone. And I was standing here, feeling terrible and wondering if my paranoia was even worth it...

I took off my shoes and shawl. I shook it out to get rid of any more white hair, although it wouldn't change a thing anymore. I went to the kitchen. I put my bag on the table top by the sink and took out one of the vials. I listened out for a while before I took a knife, punctured my finger and squeezed a few drops into the test. I shook it but it stayed light pink. I shook it again, and again, and again, but it didn't turn blue.

I felt so relieved that I threw up right into the sink.

 


	4. Monday

On the next day, I decided to stay in bed. I did give Asra a hint that I might, so I didn't bother to inform him.

I tossed and turned in bed all night. I felt... bad. So bad. I barely slept at night, tortured by guilt, shame, fear, uncertainty, nausea, headache, hunger, and what not. At some point, I wondered why I was doing this to myself and to Julian. Was my struggle to determine the truth worth the pain and loneliness I was causing us? And probably to some level to Asra, too? Why? It was supposed to be a good news, an occasion to rejoice, and I had no reason to have or expect any other reaction from my friends, had I? No, I guess no. So it wasn't that.

But what would happen if I announced I was... yeah, well, say, yesterday, after only one test? And what if it later turned out that I in fact was not? Probably, well, I  _ suppose _ everyone would be thrilled first, but then disappointed. Why do that? To cause an unnecessary excitement? To make me look as if I wanted attention? Of course, none of them would think that about me but still. No one needs an ado about nothing. I guess it was mostly the reason behind my recent actions. Mostly...

Well, I hadn't named  _ those _ fears before but I tried now. I thought about our life, Julian's and mine.  _ Our _ because for quite some time I didn't think about it and about us separately. I simply wondered if we were ready for such a change. I wondered if I were and I didn't know, I couldn't say. Every time I tried to imagine myself in a situation regarding the... subject, my mind shut. Maybe it was a sign that I wasn't. I also wondered, of course, if Julian was ready and I believed he was. Once I came over his clinic and saw him in the waiting room comforting a child with a twisted ankle. It was such a heart-warming view. He was so gentle and kind, and funny, and finished to dress their leg before they knew it. I couldn’t help but smile while watching him. He was comfortable around children, and good and adorable with them.

But what if I was wrong? It could be only an impression, and it could be a mistake to start family right now. I knew Julian well enough to know that if he wasn’t ready, he will get scared. He wouldn’t run away and leave me alone, of this I was sure, but how well, or rather how bad would he take it, being stuck in such a situation? Would he manage to be happy again? Would he still want and love me?

Julian got up as usual but I doubted he had much rest, too. However, even after what I'd been recently doing to him, he still kissed me on the temple before he left. He never was angry with me for long. He was so good to me. After he kissed me, I regretted even more that I'd been neglecting him so for last few days. Although I missed him so much it hurt, I couldn’t wait for him to just  _ go _ . The moment I heard the door close, I jumped out of bed and sprinted to the bathroom, as my new morning ritual apparently. Oh, I didn’t like it, I didn’t like it at all. I wiped my mouth with disgust and despair, and got up carefully. My legs felt like jelly… I reached for my bag and fished out another vial. Having no idea what to expect this time, I repeated the test. I shook the vial as long as the last time but it stayed pinkish. Well, I should be relieved, then, shouldn’t I? Sure I should. Two out of three test claim I’m fine, yes,  _ but _ why then am I sick as a dog?

I laughed out loud.

“Well,” I said to myself, “maybe I’m sick because I haven’t been treating myself, huh?”

And I might have been right. I decided to trust the two tests, and this little voice in my head, and visit Julian at the clinic. I took a bath and dressed up. I also tried to have some breakfast. I was starving, I hardly ate anything for last few days, but still it was difficult for me to force anything down my throat or, more importantly, keep it in my stomach.

I headed to Julian's clinic. It was high time I do something with myself. It surely wasn't normal to feel like this.

The clinic was a small, old building, renovated recently thanks to the patronage of the Countess, of course. Inside, it was white and bright. There were a few benches for waiting patients, and a couple of plants. In general, it was quite a nice place, modest but welcoming.

Naturally, there was a line. Julian was still the only doctor here and he hasn't even taken an apprentice, so he was almost constantly busy, especially now, when the weather was so unpleasant and the nights so cold.

I took a seat and waited. Although I still felt sick and exhausted, I was more optimistic. Apparently, I was ill, I neglected it, but never mind, because here I was, waiting for my turn to see the doctor. Yes, I was going to be just fine.

It was finally almost my turn when a woman with a child came in and sat down next to me. She was very much... pregnant. Her breasts and belly were enormous and her bellybutton was so... prominent even from under her woollen dress. She was flushed, breathing heavily and stroking the belly with her pale, trembling hand. With the other one, she was washing away the tears from the child's red face. I couldn't decide if it was a boy or a girl. Their white blond hair was tousled, their face chubby, wet and puffy, and their small nose runny. Their red, watery eyes were fixed at their mother, and they were whining:

"Mama... Mama..."

I was looking at the scene and my imagination went wild. Suddenly, I got very hot, my hands sweated and my stomach turned and growled. I didn't even bother to say anything. I just got up, ran out of the clinic, found the nearest alley and a trash bin, and threw up.

"Damn it!" I shouted, shortly turning attention of some passers-by to me.

Damn it! Damn Asra's pregnancy test. The very moment I am fine, we start works on improving it. It was unacceptable! It was outrageous! I needed to know what was wrong with me and I wasn't able to determine even this simple thing.

I ran back home, straight to the bathroom, where I left my last two tests. I did both at the same time. I shook them up and stared, daring them to turn blue...

...and it worked. Well, half-worked.

"No!" I shouted. "You have to be kidding me!"

Unbelievable! And we sold those? Shame!

I was furious. I had three tests that claimed I was not, and two that claimed I indeed was. That was ridiculous! Why was it so difficult to find out? And, damn, this test sucked. Asra was in for an earful when I'm done with myself.

So what should I do now? I didn't know. I was so angry. And, god, it was making me feel even sicker. The only thing I could do was probably doing some more tests. Maybe I'd have more luck, say, tomorrow. I sighed heavily. Yes, I just couldn't wait to sneak around the shelf and the bathroom and pretend in front of Asra I was fine.

A knock on the front door startled me.

"[name]? It's me!"

Speaking of the devil... What did Asra want?

I let him in reluctantly. "Hi. Did something happen?"

"No, I just was worried about you. You seemed strange yesterday," he said, coming in. He headed straight to the kitchen, put his bag on the table and started to unpack. "I brought you a pumpkin bread and some tea, and..."

"Flowers?" I asked, taken aback. "What's the occasion?"

Asra laughed. "There's no occasion. I just saw these in the market and thought about you. I hoped they'd cheer you up. They're your favourite, aren't they?"

"Yes. Thank you. They're lovely." I looked at the bouquet. The flowers were beautiful and smelled amazing. Well, maybe a bit too strong for me. My empty stomach twisted painfully. I clenched my lips and tried not to breathe while putting the flowers in a vase, vaguely aware of Asra chatting about the shop and his visit to the market. I opened the window and took a few deep breaths before even daring to speak.

"Have you eaten today? You don't look very well," Asra asked, watching me closely.

"Yes, I have. It's nothing, Asra," I lied and tried to back away but he got me between himself and the table.

The concern in his eyes deepened. "[name], I've seen you at your best and worst. Do you really think I wouldn't notice that something is wrong with you?"

Of course, I didn't think about that. I hoped so but it was stupid. Of course he would notice. He'd known me longer and better than anyone else, even Julian. But still, what was I supposed to tell him? Even now, when he asked me so directly, I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what exactly was wrong. In fact,  _ everything _ was wrong and I was sick, and tired, and so hungry and alone with this, and actually it was my fault that I was alone to struggle with it.

Before I knew it, I was crying. My breath hitched and then, I started to sob out loud with my face in my hands.

Asra immediately took me into his arms and hugged me tight. He pressed his cheek to the top of my head and stroked my hair and back. He didn't speak - he just let me let it all out. After a minute or two, I sighed shakily. It was so calming - his body, his smell and warmth were so familiar. Being hold by him seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Thanks to him, I calmed down within minutes.

"Is it something about Ilya?" he asked after I'd been quiet for a while, still hugging me.

"What about me?" Julian stepped into the kitchen looking at us - suspiciously at Asra and with concern at me.

I jumped away from Asra and thought frantically what to say. I wiped my face with a sleeve. Oh god, it must had looked bad, vary bad, especially after the white hair in mine the other night and my strange behaviour recently.

On the other hand, Asra didn’t even bat an eye and repaid Julian with the same unpleasant gaze. “I don’t know. You tell me,” he said as if challenging him.

Julian bristled. “What are you doing here?”

“Nothing, just visiting my good friend [name] here,” he said casually and put an arm around me. “Remember her?”

Suddenly, I felt all the colour drain from my face. It couldn’t be good. “Asra, what are you-“

“Excuse me?!” Julian exclaimed outraged.

“Just look at her!” Asra pushed me closer to him. “Look at her! Her face is pale as a sheet, there are bags under her eyes, and she’s barely standing by herself. Tell me,  _ doctor _ , how come you haven’t noticed her state unless you have caused it?”

Julian’s face turned red. He stared at me with shock in his eyes, opening and closing his mouth in search for words to explain or defend himself.

“It’s not his fault!” I defended him, then, and weakly pushed Asra away. “He didn’t… he doesn’t… I…” I stuttered. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to explain myself yet. “Seriously, both of you. I had a few busy weeks and a couple of tough nights and you already throw a tantrum? I’m just tired, it’s no big deal. Just let me rest. That’s why I stayed home today, isn’t it?”

Asra kept staring accusingly at Julian as if he didn’t hear a word I said. However, Julian was still flushed. He was looking down and seemed angry and ashamed. I hated it…

“Thank you for visiting me, Asra,” I said with a note of finality in my voice.

Asra nodded and took his bag from the table. “Let me know if you need anything,” he whispered loud enough for Julian to hear, and kissed me on the cheek, before he left.

We stood in silence for a while until I gathered my courage to speak.

“I’m so sorry, Julian. I have no idea what got into him,” I apologised and reached out to take his hand, but he stepped back, still not looking at me. My heart sank.

He finally raised his head and looked around. “I thought I’d come by and check on you, and bring you anything you might need. But I see you have everything already,” he said bitterly.

“Oh, dear, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t…”

Julian raised his hand and shook his head. “It’s okay. He’s right.”

“Oh no, Julian, he…” I reached out again, needing to touch him, to hug him, to do anything to change this pained look on his face.

He took another step back. “No, it’s alright, really. Uh…” He ran his hand through his hair before he looked at me again blankly. “I should get back to the clinic. And, by the way, some pretty flowers you have there.”

And so he left. Julian left. Just like this. Without a word of explanation or consolation…

I stood like this for a while not believing my own eyes. Tears started to run down my face and I couldn't stop it.

What has been happening? What have I been doing? How on Earth my small investigation led to Julian getting so hurt, both by Asra and me? It cannot happen again, I cannot let it happen ever again. I had to put an end to this madness.

But how...? Finding out this simple truth was far more difficult than I expected. I sighed and closed my eyes. It made me lose my balance and I'd fell if I wasn't standing close to a wall. Asra was right – I was exhausted and hungry. I got to the table and sat down on a chair. I grabbed the pumpkin bread and took a hasty bite. The moment it touched my tongue and palate, my stomach clenched and jumped up almost to my throat. I spit the bread straight on the table and pushed the loaf away. I felt my eyes fill with tears again. I rubbed at them. Oh god, what a nightmare. I looked at the rest of the things Asra brought me. Luckily, there were a few apples. I took a tiny, careful bite of one of them, and chewed suspiciously, but nothing happened. It was alright. I sighed with relief. Finally, something I could eat. There was also a bag of tea, he said. I peeked inside. It was a regular green tea. Thank god, maybe I'd be able to drink it without problems. I got up and boiled some water to find out.

After I'd eaten the apple and drunk a cup of tea, I felt a little bit calmer and therefore, sleepy. I didn't trust my legs enough to climb up the stairs, so I moved to the living room and curled up on the sofa. Suddenly, my breath hitched and I almost burst out crying all over again. 

The cushion was smelling like Julian. Probably from the last time he fell asleep here.

I managed to calm myself after a while. Then, before I knew it, I was asleep, and dreamt of nothing.

***

 

Some time later, a thud of door shutting woke me up. I sat up groaning and stretching. I rubbed my eyes and looked around.

"Julian?" I called weakly. "Is that you?"

I listened out but didn't hear anything. Still, I was positive I heard the door shut, so it had to be opened first and someone may had get in. I got up and walked on soft legs to the entrance. I peeked outside but there was no one. I looked back inside. If it was any of my friends, they wouldn't be hiding. At least not any of my human friends.

"Faust? Come out. I know you're here."

I crossed my arms and waited. After barely a moment, a familiar blue head peeked at me from behind books on the bookcase. I approached it and raised an eyebrow.

"Let me guess. Asra sent you to keep an eye on me again?"

Faust had the decency to look ashamed. " _ Sorry _ ."

I sighed. "That's alright. It's not your fault. Come here. Do you want some water?" I outstretched an arm towards her and she crept on it and on my shoulders, giving me a friendly squeeze.

" _ Please _ ."

I returned to the kitchen and poured her water and myself tea. I watched with light amusement Faust drink from the bowl.

"Listen, um," I said. "You didn't tell Asra about our night encounter, did you?"

She looked me in the eye. " _ Secret! _ "

"Of course, yes. I just wanted to make sure, that's all. Thank you." We sipped our drinks for a moment. "May I offer you something to eat, maybe?"

" _ Had a mouse _ ."

"A mouse? Here?"

Faust nodded.

"Oh my, I had no idea we had mice. Well, then, you have to come by more often. Do feel invited."

" _ Gladly _ ."

"And I'll have to invite Pepi, too," I added after a moment.

We drank in silence when Faust suddenly wrapped herself around my forearm and spoke:

" _ You ok? _ "

I let out a small, sad laugh. “Eh… Well, how could I lie to you, dear Faust? No, I’m not okay. I haven’t been for a while. I’ve been very sick. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m afraid it’s not a regular food poisoning but… something more engaging.”

“ _ Know? _ ”

“The point is I don’t. I’ve been trying to find out for a few days now but it’s not as easy as one could think.”

“ _ Help? _ ”

“Your sweet, Faust, but how could you…” I hesitated. “Actually, maybe you could. Do you think you could bring me a few more of those vials I took the other night?”

Faust straightened up and crept down on the floor. “ _ Yes! _ ”

“But wait. Can you do it without Asra noticing?”

She made a sound as if snorting. “ _ Easy. _ ”

I got up to open the door for her but she manged perfectly herself. She jumped, pushed the knob and slithered outside.

"Alrighty then. I'll wait here," I said to no one in particular.

What an interesting turn of events. A snake just had gone to steal for me. From our mutual friend. Fascinating.

So, I waited. And wondered. How was Faust going to bring the vials to me? She could bring one but more? You know, she'd got no hands. Well, never mind. One will be good, too. She was a sweetheart anyway for wanting to help me.

Before I knew it, I heard a quiet thud on the lower part of the door.

"So soon?"

I ran to open it. Faust was there, beaming at me, dragging a...  _ bag _ of vials.

"Oh my..." I sighed in awe. I scooped Faust up and took the bag from her. I looked inside. "There's like ten of those! Wow, Faust, you didn't have to... You're… amazing."

" _Help_ _a_ _friend._ " she wrapped around my shoulders and squeezed.

"Thank you. Wow.  _ Ten _ . Amazing. Has anyone seen you?"

" _ No. _ "

"Well, I'm stunned. Thank you so much."

“ _ Try? _ ”

“Yes, I will. Although, I don’t know how many to do to get a reasonable and believable outcome.”

“ _ More? _ ”

“No, no, sweetheart, thank you. Ten will be enough for now. Alright, let’s see…”

I thought I might do only a few tests. Because I’d already done how many? Four? Five? So how many wore would I need? I thought two or three would be enough to determine an answer.

***

 

After I’d done all ten, I was slumped over the kitchen table with my face in my hands, crying. Faust was wrapped around my forearm.

I’d done all ten. And now, I had this: 8 positive ones and 7 negative ones. I didn’t even know why I was crying. Because the tests were absurdly bad? Because there was one more positive than negative? Because it was  _ only _ one? Because more was positive? All of the reasons? Or just because I felt like it?

“ _ Not cry _ ,” Faust asked sadly.

“Oh Faust… I’m sorry. I can’t… I don’t know… ugh…” I sighed and wiped my face. “I’m so confused now, you know. I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know what to do! Asra is freaking out. Julian is angry with me. Everything is going so bad. What do I do, Faust? What do I do…?”

She gave me a sweet, soft look. “ _ Rest? _ ”

I giggled. “I guess you’re right. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted. I'll just rest. I can’t do more now.” I looked out the window. “Oh my, the sun is setting. When did the time passed?” I sighed and got up to throw away all the used tests. “I think you can go now, dear. I'm sure you’d like to rest, too.”

When Faust was gone, I let myself rest, like she advised. I went to bed and fell asleep right away, despite the emotions and hunger.

***

 

At dawn, I was woken up by a loud thud. I started, completely confused and scared. The noise repeated. It came from downstairs. I jumped out of bed, preparing myself for a confrontation with a burglar. I wondered who would be daft enough to break in to  _ my  _ house. Everyone in the neighbourhood knew that a witch lived here.

I crept down the stairs and into the dark living room. I squinted and saw a strange, hunched figure in front of the door, mumbling and grumbling. With a delicate wave of my magic, a turned all the lights on, and prepared to attack.

My mouth fell open. “Julian?!”

He straightened up from trying to remove his ridiculous boots and squinted at me in the bright light. He was dishevelled and his hair was a mess. His face was white except for bright blushes on his cheeks and red circles around his eyes, and a growing bruise on his temple.

He beamed at me. “[name]!” He spread his arms with a flourish… and stumbled because of it, but didn’t seem to mind. “Light of my life, blood in my veins, salt in my bitters…” he gibbered.

“Excuse me?!”

He bowed. “You’re welcome.”

“You’re drunk!” I could smell alcohol even from across the room. 

He snorted. “No, I’m  _ not _ .”

“And what happened to your face? Did you start a fight?”

“ _ No. _ ” He straightened proudly. “I finished one.”

I sighed with annoyance. “Do you know what time it is? Have you really been drinking all night?”

Julian seemed pensive for a moment. “I might have,” he admitted. He shook his coat off of his arms and hung it on a hook by the door but missed and the coat fell heavily on the ground. Julian looked down at it for a moment, then, looked back at me. “I did it on purpose, I swear.”

I felt rage and hurt boil in my blood. “Julian, it’s dawn and you’re so drunk you barely speak or stand straight. May I know what’s gotten into you?”

He chuckled. “Into me?  _ Me _ ? Really? I don’t know, maybe, maybe… I’m sad. Maybe. And, um,  _ hurt _ . And, and didn’t feel like coming back home where you two” He waved his finger more or less in my direction. “were doing I don’t know what. And not that I want to.”

“What?!” I exclaimed outraged.

“No, no, no, no! Don’t worry,  _ darling.  _ You can do anything you want with any- any-  _ one  _ you want. You’re free and adult so... And I, I, I am just your husband, so…”

“You’re imagining things, Julian.”

“Am I?” he growled, suddenly angry, and approached me quickly. I took a hesitant step back. “I saw you! He hugged you. He embraced you like… like I used to. I know I've been busy lately but  _ him _ ?  _ Him _ ?! Really, [name]?

“Julian-”

“And I wonder since when does he give you flowers, huh? Since when does he walk you home? Are you two…?” his voice broke. I saw tears shine in his eyes. “Do you… Does he…? Damn! [name], how could you?!”

“How could I what?! I didn't do anything!” I defended myself. I felt tears well up in my eyes, too. I really didn’t do anything  _ that  _ bad. If only he listened to me…

“No?” He laughed bitterly. “Do you think I'm blind? Do you think I’m stupid? I saw you! And not even once or twice. His all the time all over you. I can  _ smell _ him on you even now.”

“That’s absurd!” I exclaimed, frustration and despair growing in my chest.

“That’s true! God damn it, [name]! I don’t have much time for you for a few weeks and it’s all it takes for you to replace me? Seriously?”

“Wha-  _ Replace _ ?! What are you talking about? It's nonsense… I… I didn’t… I still…” I stuttered, panicking.

Julian smirked cruelly. “Not so easy to lie now, love, huh? So, what was he doing here? Does he come more often when I'm out? Does he walk you home every night?”

“No! No! I've never cheated on you if this is what you’re implying! He just came to check on me. His my friend, too!” I shouted. My voice was shaking. My head was light and dizzy. I lost control over myself. I didn't know what to do to make him listen.

Julian laughed. “Oh yes, of course he is. So, I am so incompetent that he has to check on you, I see.”

“No, Julian, please, listen…” It was crazy. He wouldn't believe a word from me now, he wouldn't listen even if I gagged him. I was so frustrated that my insides twisted. “I don’t want to fight…”

My words fell on deaf ears. “God, I'm so stupid! It’s so obvious. You spend whole days together at the shop! Who knows what you're up to every day. Is it really so busy lately? Or are just the two of you  _ busy  _ with each other?”

“No! Julian, Julian, please, please…” I was begging now, though I still didn’t know what to say. I couldn't speak, I couldn’t think. My empty stomach cramped painfully, making me bend in half. My head was swimming and throbbing with pain. 

“How could I be so blind! God damn it! What an idiot! After all, I do know him! I know Asra and what he's capable of to get what he wants! And he's loved you since always! He never stopped. How could I forget or trust that he won't try to get you back for himself!”

“No, no, please…”

He went on ranting but his voice seemed to come from further and further away. My vision blurred and my knees felt weak. Then, I got so dizzy I forgot where was up and where down. I reached for Julian's arm for hold but my sweaty palm slipped from him, and next, there was only darkness.


	5. Tuesday

First, I saw the light. It was bluish under my eyelids. Why bluish? Right, from the curtains in our bedroom. I was in our bed.

Then, I felt something in my hand. It was cool and slightly rough. And something was moving delicately back and forth over my knuckles.

Finally, I heard words.

“It’s alright, darling. I'm here. You’re alright. I'm so sorry. I love you so much.”

It was Julian. He was close.

I managed to move my head and open my eyes slightly. I was still dizzy and tired.

I heard Julian shift, and felt his hand disappear from mine and touch my cheek. “Hello, my dear. Easy, don’t get up. Rest. It's alright. I'm so sorry, [name]. I acted like an idiot. I'm sorry, so, so sorry…” He pressed loving kisses to my forehead and cheek. I smelled soap and coffee.

I reached out to him. I missed him so much. “I'm sorry… “ I mumbled sleepily.

Julian took my hand and kissed it. “No, love, no, you didn't do anything wrong. I did. I was jealous and drunk. I was a moron… I…”

I drifted off before he finished. I don't know for how long I slept. To me, it was a minute but it must had been longer because when I woke up, the light was different. After a second, I also heard Julian and Asra fight, trying to keep their voices down but failing. I tried to understand what they were saying but was still too confused to make any sense of it.

“What've you done to her?” Asra growled.

“Keep quiet! She needs to rest.”

“Is it your diagnosis, _doctor_? Maybe you also know who's responsible for her state?”

“You better stop the foolish accusations, Asra, or get out of my house!”

“Not before I’m sure she's safe and well. Look what you've done to her! You were supposed to take care of her!”

“You’re forgetting yourself. She's not your pet. She can decide-”

“But you're her husband, for god's sake!”

“And still you see her more often than I do! How come you didn't notice anything?”

It didn't sound good. I felt anxiety grow in my chest again. I struggled to open my eyes and sit up. “Julian…” I called out to him weakly.

He turned to me immediately and ran up to sit on the edge of the bed. He touched my face, completely forgetting about Asra still standing in the room, seething. “Yes, darling, I'm here. How are you? Do you need anything? Here, drink some water.”

“Thank you.” I took the glass from him and drank. I was parched. “Asra, what are you doing here? Is it about the shop?”

“No, I got scared when you didn't come this morning,” he spoke through clenched teeth. “Luckily, I came over to check up on you.”

“Why luckily? I'm fine.”

“No, you're not, dear,” Julian said softly as if unaware of Asra's angry eyes pierced to the back of his head. “You fainted. You're very weak. Have you been eating anything at all?” He looked at me, worried to death.

“Well…” I spoke, thinking what to say first. I guess it was high time I tell him what was going on with me.

“What could you possibly do to her that she's so scared of you?” Asra blurted out before I decided how to start.

Within a split second, Julian's face changed, his hand on mine curled into a fist and flew straight into Asra's nose.

Asra fell hard on the floor, gripping his face. Blood dripped from between his fingers.

I was shocked. I jumped out of bed and knelt by Asra. I looked up at Julian, who seemed as shocked as me. “Why did you do this?” I exclaimed.

Julian looked pained. He stared at me, at Asra and then, at his hand, with his mouth open, looking for words. “Sorry, I…”

“Ugh!” Asra groaned and sat up. He moved to be in front of me, spreading one hand protectively. “Don’t you dare touch her anymore!”

“What do you think you're doing!” I screamed outraged and pushed him away. I got up and stumbled, feeling dizzy.

It was ridiculous! They had no idea how bad I felt, although it was written all over my face. They did close to nothing to help me but still, when it came to blame one another, they shouted, and offended each other, fought, and struck absurd, chivalrous poses. They were too busy arguing to even hear me out.

I screamed. The two of them gaped at me. “Out! Both of you _out_! Right now!”

“But, [name]…”

“Darling, I…”

“Quiet! I'm sick of this. You care more about fighting each other than helping me! Not that I asked for any help in the first place!”

They started to deny but I was done listening to them. “Out! I don’t want to see you!”

Julian was first to slump and leave. Asra hesitated. I pointed a finger at him. “And don't you dare send Faust to spy on me for you ever again!”

After that, blushing with shame, he ran away, too.

I waited for the door to shut behind the last of them, then I slumped on the bed, and cried again. When I was out of tears and strength, I slept some more.

***

 

I woke up not feeling even a little bit better, but definitely starving. After Julian and Asra's fight, I was still angry and thanks to this – determined. I managed to get out of bed, dress up and go out to do some shopping. I bought tea and the bread I ate the other day. I returned home and stuffed myself with both until I felt full for the first time in a few days. This also gave me motivation to act. I decided to go to the shop to do some regular work. After all, it was my shop.

When I entered, Asra was in the backroom with a client. Not really caring anymore, I just went in, took one test and headed upstairs to do it. It stayed pink. I didn't believe it. I went downstairs. Asra was still busy, so I just took another one and returned to the bathroom. This one turned blue. I didn't believe it _at all._

I went back to the shop and ran into Asra, making him start. His nose was already healed, though a bit swollen.

“Oh gods! [name]! Wha- what are you doing here? I thought you…”

“I work here,” I replied plainly, brushed past him and busied myself with something, anything. A moment later, a costumer entered and asked for a reading. I did it, since Asra was still dumbstruck.

And so the day passed. I did my regular job and Asra did his, peeking at me from time to time with worry and fear. Every time he didn't look, I took a vial from the shelf and went to the bathroom to do it.

Their inconsistency was slowly driving me mad. I started to think about some other way to find out but I had no idea what to do or whom to ask for help, so I used my last resort – the Arcana. I felt almost ashamed to ask them for answer to such a, supposedly, trivial matter, but people came to ask many kinds of questions and usually got their answers, so why wouldn't I get one?

After one of my customers left, I stayed alone in the backroom. I took a slow, deep breath, feeling terribly nervous all of the sudden. I shuffled the cards with trembling hands, somehow managed to cleared my tortured mind and focused on my problem. I chose a card, set it on the table face up and… hesitated. I was afraid. And I couldn’t decide which of the two possible answers terrified me more. But current situation terrified me the most, so I made myself opened my eyes and look at the card. I froze. It was The Fool. And the answer resonated in me. However, it wasn’t coming from it, but from within me – _I already knew_. Did I really? Couldn’t I get a clear, simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’, for god’s sake?! At least now? I sighed with annoyance and frustration, and put it back in the deck. I stood up and wiped away the tears that welled up in my eyes before I returned to the shop, clinging to my doubts stubbornly like… well, a fool. I just tended to another customer and tried not to think.

As the time passed, my anger at Julian for punching Asra was lessening, and I started to miss him very much once again. I also started to feel stronger and stronger guilt for treating him so harshly. I wish I could go to him right now and apologise. I wish I also could finish this farce and go back to the good, normal life with him. But I couldn’t do that, so I waited patiently at least to close up the shop. In the meantime, I kept thinking about an alternative solution to my problem, and frankly, I guess I had one.

Asra cleared his throat. “Um, [name]?”

“Yes?” I gave him some of my attention.

“It’s getting late. Shall we close up?”

“Yes, of course.”

Together we cleaned up quickly. I started to dress up to leave, but first…

“Asra?”

“Hm?”

“I’m… sorry. About what happened today. About the last few days, too.”

Asra frowned but then, smiled softly. “No need to apologise. None of it is your fault.”

“Actually… it is.”

Asra frowned again and opened his mouth to speak, but I left before he found words. Speaking with Julian was now more important to me. I went home as fast as I could.

“Julian?” I called but inside, it was dark and quiet. Fear filled my stomach once again. Was he still at the clinic? Well, it was possible. Never mind, I’ll just wait, then. He’ll come home at last. Won’t he?

Time passed and suddenly, it was almost midnight and he still hadn't come. It happened sometimes that he worked so late but today, it worried me beyond belief. I paced around the living room, too nervous to sit down. Finally, shortly after midnight, I gave up. I took my shawl and headed to the clinic. To my growing despair, it was closed. Panicking, I ran back to the shop. I thought that for some reason he may had come there and that he and Asra might fight again. I stormed inside and turned on all the lights. I looked around anxiously but the shop was empty.

“Who's there?” Asra shouted from upstairs, quickly coming down. “[name]! What are you doing here? It's late. What happened?”

“Is Julian here? Have you seen him tonight?”

“What? No, why? Did something happen to him?”

“God! I don’t know!” I ran out to the street, freaking out now, and headed to the Raven. He must be there!

“What? Where are you going? [name]! Wait!” I heard Asra scream after me but couldn't bring myself to respond.

I was terrified. The worst scenarios were going over and over again in my mind, making me cry and fight for breath: Julian caught up in a fight in the Raven and stabbed to death. Julian bleeding out to death somewhere all alone. Julian with his things in a bag thrown over his shoulder, embarking a ship to sail far away from me and never see me again.

I stumbled and slowed down when my breath hitched. I could barely see through the tears. Moreover, the nausea was coming back, piling on all of this. My head spinned, and I leaned against a wall of the nearest building.

“[name]!” Asra caught up with me and turned me to face him. “What's happening? Tell me!”

“I-I don't know where he is,” I sobbed. “I told him to leave, oh god, and, and he left, and now… He hasn't come home. Oh, Asra, what have I done?”

Asra brought me into a firm hug. “Hush, calm down. I bet he's fine, just hiding. Don't worry.” He moved back a bit and took my face in his hands, wiping my wet cheeks with his thumbs. “Hey, don't cry. Breathe, [name], slowly, like I taught you, remember? Come on, breathe with me. In… and out. In… and out. Just like that. Great. Now, can you tell me where were you going?”

“The Raven,” I mumbled, still a mess.

“Good idea. He can be there. Come on, we’ll look for him together, alright? I’ll help you.” He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and rubbed it reassuringly.

“Why? You hate him.”

“No, I don’t hate him. But more importantly… you love him,” he admitted reluctantly.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, feeling ashamed.

In answer, Asra just hugged me tighter and led us to the tavern.

In there, it was rowdy as always. The barkeep nodded at me, already recognising me from Julian and mine countless dates in here. I ran straight to him.

“Is Julian here?” I asked, doing my best to be heard over the noise.

“Would it be so peaceful in here if he was?” he grunted.

I slumped on the bar, feeling breathless again. God damn it, what was happening to me?

The barkeep looked at me and kind of softened. “Don’t worry, child. The boy can’t be possibly gone for long. I don’t really think he can live without you. How about a pint to cheer you up?”

“No, thanks. We'll keep looking for him,” Asra said with a light smile and pulled me out. “Where to now? Any ideas? Do you think he's gone to Portia's? Or maybe he's home by now?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. But let’s go to Mazelinka's first. It's close.”

Asra nodded. We presented him to Mazelinka a few years ago. They got on very well.

We got there a minute later. We ran – I was too scared to just walk. To my relief, there was a candle lit in a window of her hut. I ran to the door and didn’t hesitate to knock. She opened right away.

“He's here,” she said, already knowing the question.

“Oh thank god! Is he alright?”

She snorted. “Well, before he met you, I would say that yes, that is his ‘alright’. But now… Ugh! What happened between you two? He's getting on my nerves again!”

“I know. I'm sorry! It’s all my fault. I shouted at him and told him to leave,” I confessed.

“Ha! And what did he do? He wouldn't tell me. Or maybe he did tell but I couldn't grasp a single word from his mumbling.”

“He punched Asra… He accused him with not caring enough for me. Which is not true because I've… been hiding from him that I… wasn’t well,” I confessed, my face burning with shame.

“Children! What's gotten into all of you to lie to him, [name], of all people! And you, young man,” She waved her spoon towards Asra. “why don't you mind your own business and… show me your face… Ha! What a shame of Ilya. You're not even bruised.”

“Uhm, to my defense, [name] _is_ very ill. To Ilya's, he did break my nose. And to [name]'s, she threw me away, too,” Asra backed me up.

“Hm. Well, alright, now that sounds better.”

“Mazelinka, please! Can I see him?”

“Yes, of course, but tomorrow, I'm afraid.”

“Tomorrow?” I repeated dumbly. My eyes started to fill up with tears again.

“He's asleep, dear child. I made him drink something for sleep. He’s in the hiding hole. He crept there himself, like to have a time out or something.” She rolled her eyes. “I'll send him to you first thing in the morning and you three better make up. I got used to him _not_ mumbling or punishing himself for all the wrong in the world. I rather liked him that way.”

“But…” I spoke but didn't really know what to say.

Asra took my hand and took a step back. “Yes, of course we will. We'll figure it all out soon.”

“You better.” She threatened us with the spoon.

“Goodnight, then. Let's go, [name].” He pulled me into the street and guided home. “See? He's fine.”

“Didn't you listen? He's far from ‘fine’! He's devastated! And it's all my fault!”

“Don’t torture yourself. Tomorrow, you’ll apologise to him and he'll be back at your feet, you'll see. He… He loves you so much.”

“I know. Oh god, how could I bring us to this?”

“I'm sure you had a good reason.”

“I'm not that sure anymore… I should end it soon. It's gone too far.”

Asra stopped and took my hands. “What is it, [name]? Please, you can tell me. Let me help you.”

I shook my head. “No, no, you can't help. Even I don't know anything anymore.”

“Tell me what's going on and we'll figure it out together, I promise.”

“No, I… I must figure it out alone. Or with a little help but not from you. Sorry.”

Asra slumped a bit for a moment, but then, he smiled at me. “I keep forgetting how smart and brave you are. Of course you’ll manage on your own. I’m so proud of you.” He kissed my forehead affectionally. “Don’t worry, dear. Ilya is safe and sound. Now, can I walk you home? You’d use some rest, too.”

I nodded, feeling, frankly, encouraged. “Thank you.”

He grinned at me. “Any time. Let’s get you home. It’s been enough for one day.”

I agreed. It was too much. Oh god, I wanted it to be over already.


	6. Wednesday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The use of herbs and spices in this chapter is based on data found on the internet, so don't take it too seriously 😏

I woke up with the very first light of dawn, not that I slept through the night… I jumped out of the bed and ran straight to the front door. I peeked out, too impatient to wait inside. After a minute, I even sat down on the porch, though the morning was quite chilly. I didn’t care. I wanted him to be home already. I waited an hour, maybe longer, before I gave up. I returned inside, shaking and crying uncontrollably once again. He should had been here already, shouldn’t he? Mazelinka promised to send him here at dawn, didn’t she? Or maybe she did as she said but he still didn’t want to come back? On this thought, I sat on the floor and hid my face in my hands, weeping. Here it was - my marriage was coming down and it was all my fault.

I had to fix it. There was no time to waste on tears. I got myself together, dressed up warm, and headed to the last person who could help me with this mess – Mazelinka. She seemed to be the most reasonable and wise person I knew. If anybody could help me, I mean really  _ help _ , without all the fuss anyone else would make, it was her. Well, maybe except for Nadia but I wasn’t sure if she was familiar with the matter I had doubts about.

In my head, I tried to prepare what to say but by the time I got to the place, I had nothing. I stood in front of the door for a few minutes more, thinking, but frankly, I didn’t come up with anything coherent nor elegant. I sighed then, squared my shoulders, and finally, knocked.

I waited, then knocked again but a little bit harder. I waited longer but Mazelinka must had been out. Damn it! I should had gone right after I woke up. My eyes watered again and my empty stomach clenched, making me nauseous. But what could I do? I had no idea where she was and I didn’t feel like standing there in the cold. So, I turned around, disappointed and miserable, and took literally three steps when Mazelinka walked from behind the corner.

“Oh! [name], dear, good morning! Looking for me?” she greeted me with a smile.

“Hello, yes, actually, I am,” I blurted out.

She nodded knowingly. “The silly boy didn’t come home, did he?”

I only shook my head. I couldn’t speak. My throat clenched painfully and tears started to run down my face.

“Oh, child. Don’t cry. Everything is going to be alright. Now, come inside. You’re freezing.” She put an arm around me and guided me inside. “Don’t be shy. Take a seat. I’ll boil some water and make you tea,” she said while bustling about the kitchen.

I sat down by the old, wooden table, bracing myself for a confession.

Mazelinka sat on the other side and looked me in the eye. "What's going on with you two, children?"

My mind was so numb and confused that all I heard was 'children', and I felt my face burn. "S-sorry?"

"I can tell something's very wrong between you, [name]. Ilya's been acting stupid the way he only can. He mumbles and paces again, he looks as if he didn't sleep or eat  _ again _ , and you, young lady, do not look much better. What's going on between you two? Tell me because the stubborn boy refuses to talk."

"Um..." I hesitated. I felt even more embarrassed and nervous now but I took a deep breath and started to explain. "Well, frankly, nothing that bad happened between us. I mean, all of… this didn’t start because of something between us," I explained clumsily.

"Oh?" Mazelinka appeared not to had expected that. "But something did happen, didn't it?"

"Well, yes. I mean, I think so. I suppose so. But I'm not sure. That's why I came to you. Maybe you'll know what to do. What to do to find out, I mean," I mumbled, staring at my hands on my lap. I looked up at Mazelinka when I finished. She looked confused but still determined. After a moment of silence, she spoke:

"Is the dumb boy cheating on you?!"

"What?! No! No, no, no. It's not this. Nothing like this. No. Oh my god, no."

Mazelinka sighed with relief. "I thought I'd have to beat some reason into him, haha. Phew! No, of course he's not, he's crazy about you. So, to the point, dear, what is it you don't know?"

I stared at her for a while, looking for words, but gave up. "If I'm pregnant," I blurted out simply.

Mazelinka didn't seem particularly impressed. "Well, that shouldn't be so difficult to determine."

"I know, I know, but somehow I still have doubts," I said sheepishly.

"What about your period?"

"What about it?"

Mazelinka cleared her throat. "Alright, I see. I'll be more precise. When was your last period?"

I thought for a while. "I don't remember. Some time ago..."

Mazelinka smiled triumphantly. "See?"

"...but it's never been regular."

"Oh. Hm. But do you feel sick?"

"I do. I've been very sick for a week or longer."

"There you go. You're either pregnant or have a very serious food poisoning."

"I thought the same, that's why I've been doing Asra's pregnancy tests..."

Mazelinka snorted. "Those tests suck! Really, [name], they're so bad. You two should improve them!"

"I know now," I agreed bitterly.

"How many have you done?"

"I don't know. I guess I stopped counting after ten."

"Ten?! And how many were positive?"

"A half!" I said with shame and desperation evident in my voice.

"Oh my..." she sighed. "You know, for most of my life, I was in a relationship with a woman so I didn't need to determine if I was pregnant."

I slumped. I felt my face burn again. Of course I knew. What was I thinking?

"BUT" Mazelinka raised a finger, drawing my attention back to her. "I do know a trick that works every single time."

"What is it? Can I try?"

"Of course. But first, let me make you some tea."

Right, the water was already boiling. Mazelinka got up and took out of the cupboard a mug and the prettiest cup she owned (she always served me tea in it). She bustled through the numerous, mysterious jars of hers, putting in the mug a portion of familiar looking green leaves, and to the cup a spoon of something looking like pine needles, a pinch of brown powder, some of this, some of that. It wasn't a regular tea... Finally, she poured some water into the two and set the cup in front of me.

"Here. Drink."

I looked at the brownish brew full of whirling leaves and powders. It didn't look good but what could I do. She knew better, of this I was sure. So, I brought the cup to my lips, smelled it and, god damn it bloody hell holly fuck! I almost dropped it on my lap when a wave of nausea and pain hit me right in the stomach.

Mazelinka immediately appeared at my side and took the cup out of my shaking hands. "Deep breaths, deep breaths, dear,” she cooed. “In and out, in and out. It'll pass soon."

"I'm so sorry, I don't know... I didn't mean to..."

"Easy, child, breathe. Better? Good.  _ I _ am sorry. It's not a pleasant method but it does always work. Here, drink this." She offered me the mug. “It’s normal tea, I swear.”

"Huh? What method?"

"The brew, dear. It's cinnamon, ginseng, rosemary, sage, and other herbs pregnant women hate and shouldn't have because they are bad for them and baby."

I took a sip of the hot, green tea. It soothed me. As my stomach and breathing calmed down, my head started to work again. "So basically, you gave me a poison?"

"Yes, but I wouldn't let you drink it, don't worry, not after such a strong reaction. But now at least you know."

"Really?"

"Every pregnant woman I gave this brew to reacted more or less like you. You're pregnant, [name], no doubt," she stated bluntly.

I was dumbstruck. "But... But how... When..."

Mazelinka leaned towards me with a serious expression on her wrinkled face. "You do know where babies come from?"

I felt my face burn. "Yes, I do!"

She looked relieved. "Good. I'm even less prepared for that kind of talk. Haha! Well, then, you know what's going on with you, so go, find Ilya and tell him the good news. I'm sick of his tortured face. God knows what’s been on his mind. I'd love to see him smile again for a change. Finish the tea and off you go, chop, chop!"

"You think? I mean, will he be... happy about it?"

Mazelinka snorted. "You kidding me? He'll go completely nuts from joy. He'll let the whole Vesuvia know."

"I'd rather he didn’t..."

"I don't think you'll be able to do much about it. Now go. And do come back together when you're calmer, so I can congratulate you properly," she winked at me.

I nodded absentmindedly and left.

So I was in fact... well... pregnant. I was pregnant. I indeed was.  _ Pregnant _ . I didn't really get it yet. The words 'I am pregnant' resonated in my mind but kind of didn't sink in. They were empty. I was pregnant but I had no idea what to do or think about it. It was so unreal. How did it even happen? We hadn't slept together for weeks, if not a month. When could it..?

I almost tripped when the right memory resurfaced in my mind. Oh.  _ Then _ . But it was... No, it must had been then. I got hot at the memory. It was almost a month ago and it was one of the best nights we ever had.

We went to the Rowdy Raven. Everyone came: Asra, Portia, and even Nadia and Muriel, though he left after an hour, too tired and nervous of the noise and people.

I had a drink too much (Julian had probably twice as I). I was pleasantly dizzy. I was giggling with Portia like schoolgirls about something when Julian bumped his fists on the table making Asra spill his drink, and us giggle even louder.

"My song! It's my song!" he shouted as he did about almost every song. "[name], darling, do dance with me. You  _ must _ dance with me," he said for the umpteenth time that night.

Even though my feet already hurt, I let him pull me out of the booth and onto the dancefloor. The moment we got there, the music flattened and, with a thud, stopped.

"Billy's down! Billy's down!" one of the musicians yelled, standing over their colleague passed out on the floor. Cheers and laughs followed. "Who's sober enough to play the vielle?"

Julian put his hand up and jumped. "I am! I am!" He leaned towards me and made puppy eyes. "Oh, [name], may I? May I play?"

"Of course! Go! I was supposed to dance here."

With a wide grin, he pressed a quick kiss to my lips and ran towards the orchestra. With the new, sober-enough member, the music resumed. I stayed and clapped to the rhythm when someone touched my shoulder. It was Asra.

"I see Ilya's busy. It'd be a shame if you missed this dance."

He offered me his hand and I took it. He pulled me close and we whirled to the lively music. Asra was a great dancer, and I had an amazing time with him. After a minute, I looked at the orchestra and found Julian playing the vielle with passion. He kept his eyes on me from the very moment Asra approached me. I felt them hot on my skin. He gave me a look and a smile which said I was in for trouble and that I was gonna like it so much that no other man would ever even cross my mind again. I just couldn't wait. Until then, I kept dancing.

The song ended and right away another one started, but without the vielle this time.

"May I cut in?" Julian asked. He put his arms around my waist and picked me up, ostentatiously taking me away from Asra.

I laughed at Asra, because what could I do, and he replied with a smile. Then, I was turned around into a tight embrace.

"Oh [name]! How could have you danced with him?" Julian whined.

"And whom was I supposed to dance with?" I replied with a mischievous grin.

"Me and only me." His hands slipped boldly low on my back, pressing me close to him.

"You're so possessive sometimes," I breathed, feeling hot. The way Julian looked at me... As if he wanted to devour me.

"You have no idea," he whispered against my lips before he dipped me and kissed me passionately as if we were alone. We were very much not alone, even though I couldn't help myself and kissed him back, tangling my fingers in his hair.

Finally, music and loud whistling broke through the haze in my mind and made me straight up, though I didn't move away. Julian was flushed, his lips were parted and shirt dishevelled. He looked at me greedily. I could resist him long enough to grab his hand and push my way through the rowdy, drunk crowd. I pulled Julian out and into the alley where I fell into a barrel a hundred years ago. I turned to face him but before I could do anything, he lifted me up on an empty box, so our faces were on the same level, pressed me to the wall with all his body, and kissed me. Oh god, how he kissed me. Feverishly, furiously, pouring all his jealousy into the kiss. I only opened my mouth and submitted eagerly to his desire. I could barely even kiss him back – he left me little space to act. But I didn't mind, no, I cherished every second. He rarely took the lead like this, and god, did I adore it.

I felt hot and dizzy. Julian smelled of leather, coffee, and his sweat, which was driving me crazy; making me want to bite him to the bone. It took my all willpower, and god knows how little of it I had at the moment, not to bite him too hard on the lips. I just held to his arms for dear life, because I was also slightly aware of the wobbly box under my feet. But there was no way I could fall. His body was pressed flush against mine, his thigh pushed between mine, giving me infuriatingly not enough pressure on my groin. I could feel his rapid heartbeat on my chest and hard cock on my hip. His hands roamed over my body, once caressing my neck, then, squeezing my breasts or sides, or slipping under my skirt to feel my thigh.

I was on a verge of begging for more, when he pulled away, bit and kissed my neck with open mouth and then whispered urgently over my ear:

"I want you. God, I want you  _ now. _ "

I let out a shuddering moan and dig my fingernails into his arms when he rolled his hips and swept one of my thighs up, holding it tightly.

Then, luckily, the last conscious bit of my reason rung the alarm. "Not here," I breathed faintly but with a note of panic in my voice, and somehow managed to untangle from Julian's limbs. I took his hand, jumped off of the box on my soft legs, and headed home as fast as I could.

"Whoa!" I yelled in surprise when Julian lifted me and threw me over his arm like a bag of flour, and ran. "Hey!"

In response, he only laughed.

"You... ugh!"

"Darling? Sweetheart? Sweetie?"

"You bastard!" I shouted, choking on my laughter.

"So ungrateful," he sighed and smacked my buttock lightly.

Within minutes, we got to our house. Julian burst inside and ran straight to the bedroom. He tossed me unceremoniously on the bed. I squeaked but laughter died on my lips, because a second later, he was on top of me, between my legs, gripping my thighs and pressing them to his waist. He nibbled on the skin of my neck, making me shiver, and kept going lower. He unbuttoned my shirt in haste and kissed my breasts, and sucked on my nipples. I moaned loudly. I was tense and frustrated. I wanted more. I grabbed his shirt and tugged it off of him. He hold up his weight on one arm to brush his hair from his eyes, and I took the opportunity to slip a little bit away and take off my underwear. Julian saw me threw it on the floor and purred delighted. I pulled him back into a kiss and he pressed me into the mattress. I squeezed my hands between our bodies and struggled to undo his trousers.

Julian sighed into my lips on the sudden pressure on his crotch. "Oh... Such a haste, my love? Can't wait to have me inside?" he teased in a husky voice.

Finally, his trousers popped open, and I took his hot, hard cock firmly into my hand, making him buck and gasp.

"Yes, now" I managed to whisper.

He didn't need to be told twice. He pushed my hands away, put his between my thighs and pressed in slowly, looking at me with lust and awe.

I screamed and arched my back. It hurt. He was forcing me open. He was so big and I so tight. I spread my legs wider and rolled my hips to take him deeper, fuller. When he was all in, when he pressed his hips to the back of my thighs, I gasped. The pain was gone, and now, it felt absolutely amazing. And then, Julian started to move quickly, urgently, not really giving me time to adjust. I moaned. It's such a  _ raw _ pleasure. It's exquisite, on the verge of painful and so wonderfully good. Oh, the way his cock massaged me right there inside. The way his groin pressed to my clit with every push. I encircled my legs around his waist to get more of this sweet friction. Then, he pushed one hand under my hips, lifting them slightly, and took in even deeper, making me now cry out with every push.

"Oh, [name]..." he groaned deep in his throat. "I just love to fuck with you."

"Harder. You can take me harder," I moaned before sinking my long nails into his back. 

Julian shouted and set a violent pace.

I dug my nails deeper into his skin, holding onto him, afraid to let go. I couldn't really do anything. I could just give myself to him and let him have my way with me. And oh dear god, did I love his way.

My orgasm washed over me almost without a warning. The intense, tingling, white-hot sensation burst low inside my belly and instantaneously took over my whole body. All my muscles clenched. My back arched. My legs shivered. And I couldn't stop screaming. So I screamed, not caring, not feeling ashamed. It was amazing. It was too much. I hoped it would never end and I wanted it to be already over. I couldn't take it but wanted more, more, more!

At the same time, I felt Julian embrace me with all his strength and take me frantically, almost painfully, panting loudly. And it was delightful, too. I grazed my fingernails through his back and sunk my teeth in his arm. He shuddered violently and muffled a cry in my shoulder. His embrace became so tight I could barely breathe. He pushed inside me so hard it made me shout and the bed squeak once, twice… He froze for a few seconds, coming deep inside me, then, he let go. He slipped from atop me but kept his head in the crook of my shoulder, an arm on my belly and a leg between mine, breathing heavily. I also relaxed. My limbs fell apart. I was too tired to move but I smiled. It was short but wonderful. And we just lay like this, just touching and breathing, exhausted, drunk, satisfied...

...and very, very much pregnant.

I snapped out from the memory. I was flushed and my skin was tingling from the still vivid images. I realised I passed the shop and even the market. I turned around and made my way back. A few steps before it, I stopped and wondered. Did I really want to see Asra right now? Did I really want to speak about it with him? How would I even say it? One thing I was positive about was that I should tell Julian first, not Asra. But still, how? What would he say? Would he be happy? Scared? Worried? And first of all, where the hell was he? 

I wasn’t so upset like yesterday, so I just decided to take a slow, sad stroll around the city to any place he might be hiding at. I checked our home, but no, he didn’t come back. I went then to the shop, the market, the market under the Coliseum, the theatre, the docks, Mazelinka’s hut, even the secret garden where we once hid from the guards, the aqueduct… I only decided against going to Portia’s hut and the palace. If I did, I’d had to explain the whole situation to Portia and Nadia, and I was too weak for this.

Frankly, already at the market, I was devastated. For the rest of my search, I was just fighting my tears, hunger and sickness back. I could barely see where I was going, so it took me most of the day to check the whole list.

Finally, I reached the Raven, though I doubted he would be here, if yesterday, he preferred to go to Mazelinka than stay here and drink. For a moment, I thought I might use a drink, but then, I remembered bitterly that I couldn’t have one.

I entered and gave the barkeep a resigned look. He greeted me with a nod and a bob towards a corner of the tavern. I looked around confused until I saw the familiar auburn head slumped onto a table littered with empty glasses.

I rubbed my face and eyes, and took a few deep breaths not to burst out crying in here. I sighed, run my fingers through my hair, sighed again, and approached the table.

“Julian…” I whined so quietly I barely heard myself but apparently it was enough to draw his attention.

He moved his head slightly, just to be able to see me with one, blurry, red-rimmed eye. “Hi,” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry…” I managed to say before my throat clenched again. I wiped my eyes with annoyance. “I’m sorry,” I squeaked. Suddenly, I felt something touch my skirt and looked down.

Julian lifted his head from the table and gently pulled on my skirt. I took a hesitant step closer. He moved in his seat and wrapped my waits with his arms, snuggling his head to my belly. “May I come back home?” I heard him whisper hoarsely.

I pressed him closer to me. “Of course! Come back, please, sweetheart. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry…”

He nodded and got up, supporting himself on the table and a little bit on me. He pulled me into a hug. “I’m sorry, too. I want everything to be normal again,” he whispered into my hair.

My heart broke at that moment. Normal? Tears streamed down my cheeks freely, and I let out a whimper. Normal?

Julian of course didn’t know why I was crying. He hugged me tighter and stroked my hair. “Hush, darling. No need to cry. Everything’s gonna be fine now. Oh, [name], my dear, sweet [name], don’t cry!” he got scared when I burst out crying.

Normal? Fine? Nothing’s gonna be normal! Nothing’s gonna be fine! I was absolutely devastated. How possibly could I tell him now?

“Hush, hush,” he repeated calmingly, kissing the top of my head. “Please, or I’ll cry, too. Come on, let’s just go back home, alright? You’re exhausted, darling. I’m sorry. Let’s go, alright?” he spoke messily, guiding me out the bar. He waved goodbye to the barkeep. “Bye, Barth! Thanks for everything.”

“Yeah, sure! And don’t you come back here any time soon!”

We stumbled back home, holding each other for support. The sun was setting, when we finally got there. Julian helped me to bed and kissed my forehead.

“I’ll join you in a minute. I’ll just get rid of the smell of alcohol. Sorry, dear.” He kissed me one more time and went to the bathroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I was cold with fear. Julian wanted it to be normal and I had a news that was going to turn our life upside down. What was I supposed to do now? I… I couldn’t tell him.

Julian went out of the bathroom, refreshed, in clean clothes, and came to bed, snuggling close to me. He smelled pleasantly of mint and cotton. He nuzzled my neck and shoulder, peppering the skin with adoring kisses. “I love you, darling. I missed you so much. Let’s take a break from work soon, what do you say? I’d love to finally spend some time with you and only you.”

I managed to muffle a sob in the pillow and nodded.

I felt Julian smile against my skin. He kissed my cheek one last time and made himself comfortable. “Perfect. I’m so happy. Sleep now, love. I’m shutting up. Sweet dreams.”

Finally, I did fall asleep but my dreams were far from sweet. I dreamt of our life, normal, together, only the two of us, with me hiding a terrible, dark secret. At one point, the secret was revealed, and Julian was furious and devastated, and disappointed with me. Then, he left me, and I never saw him again.


	7. Thursday

I woke up with face and pillow soaked with tears, and with my throat sore from muffling screams and whimpers. I turned around to see that Julian was still asleep. Good. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I slipped out of the bed and crept to the bathroom. I did my best to look normal and ran away to the shop. I was so miserable and hopeless that I could even confess everything to Asra.

I entered the shop absentmindedly. It was still very early, so I was alone for some time before Asra went down. I almost didn't hear his quiet greeting.

“Hello, [name]. Up so early? How are you?”

At first, I smiled and planned to say that I was fine but I failed. My face fell and I put my elbows on the counter and hid it in my hands, my shoulders shaking.

Asra was right there next to me. “That bad? Didn’t you get the help you hoped for?”

I shook my head. “No, I did, I did. I talked to Mazelinka and she helped me very much.”

“Oh. Then why are you so sad?”

“I don’t know what to do now I know!” I burst out, flopping down on the counter and wrapping my head in my arms.

“Oh [name], it can’t be that bad!”

“But it is,” I mumbled.

“Oh my. Wait. Here.” He brought me a chair from the backroom. He helped me sit down, then ran upstairs and returned with a cup of tea. “Here, drink. Breathe. Calm down. We’ll manage everything, you’ll see. You’re not alone.”

I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and accepted the cup. “Thank you…”

He kissed my forehead. “Anything for you. Just have a tea and try to calm down.”

“I don’t even know how to explain everything to you… I don’t know where to start…”

“You don't have to if you don’t want to. I'll be there for you even though. Just try to relax. I’ll get to work if you don’t mind. It’s my turn to go the check.”

“Sure. Thank you…” I sipped the tea. It was good. I let myself relax a bit. After all, what else could I do?

Asra counted the products methodically, with the book in his hand. I observed him from my seat. It was a calming view. Suddenly, a thought crossed my mind and my insides clenched with panic.

“Is it Friday already?!” I blurted out before I bit my tongue.

“No, it’s Thursday but I see that the shelves are empty and that you’re not very well, so I’d like to do the check for you. And I can do it today, because why not.”

I swallowed hard. It was about to happen. Asra was about to find out the truth.

“Wow, [name], what a good week we had. We sold lots of pep-up potions, obviously,  many sleep potions, lucky and energy charms, and...” He looked at the bottom shelf and into the book again. “and 23 pregnancy tests! Wow! Are we going to have a baby boom in the neighbourhood?” he laughed. “Ilya should specialise in midwifery. He'll have his hands full.”

I laughed stiffly. “Oh yes, he will,” I murmured to myself.

He counted the vials again, incredulous. “20, 21, 22… 23! But it's strange. I don't remember selling any of those. Did you sell all of them by yourself?”

I felt blood drain from my face. I put the cup on the counter and wiped my sweaty hands on my skirt. “Well... Um...”

Asra frowned and put the book away to kneel in front of me. “Are you alright? You got very pale.”

“Well, yes, I guess, I mean...” I took a deep breath and went to the point. “I did not  _ sell _ those tests. I… um… I used them.”

Asra looked at me confused. “Wha-? But... Why? All of them?”

“They're not very good, Asra. We need to improve them,” I said bitterly.

“Well, yeah, sure, but still... Why would you...?” His eyes went wide. “Are you...?”

“Yes, I am.”

Asra's eyes went even wider and his lips spread in a grin. “You're pregnant?”

I nodded, starting to cry all over again. “Oh my god, I just can’t stop…” I murmured and wiped my eyes.

“And this was all of it about? But why? It’s an amazing news! Why are you crying?”

“Because Julian said he wants a normal life just with me!” I blurted out.

Asra frowned and opened his mouth to speak but closed it. “But… Did you tell him you are pregnant?”

“Well. No…”

Asra smiled softly. “Then he surely didn’t mean it like you think he did.”

“He didn’t?”

“Of course! Are you kidding? He’ll be thrilled! He’d love to have a family with you!”

I broke a small smile. “You think?”

“I am absolutely sure! Don’t you know him at all? Don’t be silly and don’t cry. There’s no need.” He affectionally wiped my cheeks with his sleeve.

“I guess you’re right. He’ll be happy, won’t he?”

“He’ll be ecstatic.”

“Yes, he will. Oh my god, Asra, I'm pregnant,” I said it out loud for the first time and I felt something break inside me. Suddenly, I couldn't stop smiling. I laughed and covered my lips with my hand, not knowing what was happening to me. I laughed again. I think I was happy. “It’s… good, I guess, isn’t it?”

Asra took my hands in his and looked at me with amazement. “[name], it's marvellous!”

“You think?”

“Of course!” he exclaimed. He embraced me and lifted me up in the air.

I just kept laughing. Maybe it in fact was amazing.

“Asra!”

Asra put me back on the ground and we looked at Julian standing in the doorway. The smile died on my lips. He seemed angry and... so hurt.

“Asra, you bastard!” he shouted and slammed the door behind him. He approached Asra in a few long steps and looked down at him. “How could you?! You know how much she means to me. Why can't you just keep your hands away from her?”

I tried to step between them. “Julian, it's not-“

“[name], don't-“ Asra put his hand on my shoulder.

In the blink of an eye, Julian grabbed Asra by his shirt and slammed his back on the counter. “I told you to keep your hands off of her!”

“Julian, stop!” I shouted, feeling panic growing in my chest, and pulled him by his coat to get him off of Asra. “It's not what you think!”

He left Asra and turned around to face me, his expression pained. “And you… How could you, [name]?” he asked as if he didn't hear me, his voice breaking. “Why? I love you so much. You're everything to me. Why?  _ Why _ ?! I know I've been absent for the last few weeks, and it’s been a mess because of me for the last few days and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I wasn't there for you but still, why did you...” Tears welled up in his eyes.

“Julian, darling, please!” I took his face in my hands but he stepped away. “Listen to me, please. It's not what you think. There's nothing between Asra and me.”

“Please, I’m not  _ that _ stupid! I saw you!”

“He was only congratulating me. He was congratulating  _ us _ !”

Julian looked suspiciously at me, then at Asra.

“Yeah, congratulations,” he grunted, straightening his clothes.

“He was congratulating you... us... what?”

I tried to take Julian's hand but he backed away like a frightened animal. I gave him a little, shy smile. “I'm pregnant."

Julian looked at me blankly. “What?”

I took a tentative step towards him. “I'm pregnant.”

Julian's eyes shone as if he had processed a bit of this information. He gave Asra a nasty look. “With whom?”

Asra took a step back.

I grabbed Julian by his shoulders and made him face me. “With you, dear, of course with you!”

“Of course?” he repeated dumbly. He frowned, thinking intensely. “But how...? I mean  _ when _ ? We didn't... We haven't... It's been... So when possibly-" he stopped. His eyes went wide and his ears turned red. “Oh.  _ Then _ .”

“Yes, I think so, too, love,” I agreed.

“Oh.  _ Oh. _ But... But... What?” he gibbered, evidently lost and overwhelmed.

I took his hands in mine and looked him deep in the eyes. “I'm pregnant, Julian. We're going to have a baby. You're going to be a daddy.”

He kept staring at me blankly. His face went white and he seemed to very, very slowly collapse.

“Asra, chair!” I shouted.

At lightning speed, he grabbed the chair and pushed it under Julian right before his knees gave up.

He slumped heavily onto it. I squatted in front of him and kept squeezing his cold hands.

“I… um... You… er… What?” he repeated helplessly.

I laughed softly and spoke quietly to him about things that all this time were subconsciously forming in my head. “I'm pregnant, dear. We're going to have a baby, you and I. We're going to be parents. I will be a mum, and you will be a dad, and I believe you will be the best father in the world. We'll love them, and care for them, and they're going to have the best aunts and uncles. And you'll tell them the best bedtime stories and give them awesome piggyback rides, and their gonna just adore you. Don't you think?”

I looked at Julian and it seemed that this time my words did sink in. He blushed lightly, his eyes shone and an amazed smile spread slowly on his lips. “A... A baby?”

I nodded.

“Our own baby?”

“Yes, Julian, sweetheart. Are you... Are you happy?”

“Am I happy? Happy? No, I’m not happy. I'm... I'm... Thrilled! Oh god... I'm gonna be a father!” he shouted as if he’s just discovered it. He jumped up from the chair, took me in his arms and spinned me around, laughing. "I'm gonna be a father! Oh Asra, I'm… God, I’m so, so sorry for assaulting you.”

“Never mind. Got used to it,” Asra smiled. “Congratulations, you two.”

“Thank you. Oh god, [name], really?” he kept asking.

I laughed. “Yes!”

“Oh god. Sorry, I just can't believe it! I’m so happy!” He swept me in his arms again. Suddenly, he stopped and put me on the ground. “But, more importantly, are you?”

“Yes, yes, I am.”

“Are you sure? For the last few days you seemed… upset.”

“Yes, I was, but now I’m sure and, since you’re so happy, I’ve no doubts anymore.”

“That’s great, so great. God, it’s amazing!” He hugged me but after a second, moved away again. “Hey. Why did Asra get to find out first?”

“Um… Actually-”

“I was checking the stock today,” Asra explained. “and I discovered that in a week 23 pregnancy tests disappeared.”

“23?!” Julian exclaimed. “Why so many?”

“Because they suck,” I replied shortly.

“Don’t be so strict, [name],” Asra said, sounding slightly offended.

“I made 23 and still needed Mazelinka to help me.”

“Wait, Mazelinka knows, too?” Julian was shocked.

“Yes,” I admitted sheepishly.

“Oh, well. At least, it’s not Asra who found out first,” Julian sighed and winked at Asra.

“Actually, she didn’t find out first.”

“Then who?” the men asked, taken aback.

“Faust.”

“ _ Yesss. _ ” Asra and I heard.

“Um… Alright, then… I guess,” Julian muttered.

“What  _ I _ am wondering, Ilya,” Asra cut in. “is how come you didn't come up with what’s going on with [name]. She's your wife! And she's been sick for over a week. Aren't you a doctor?”

Julian blushed. “Yeah, err... well, I did notice she wasn’t well. But we were both busy and kind of missing each other at home. And it wasn't like she wanted me to notice, did you, [name]?”

I squeezed his hand. “No and I’m sorry, I-”

“What  _ I _ am wondering” Julian countered Asra’s accusation. “is how come  _ you _ didn't figure out anything. She spends all days here with you and she's just stolen-"

“Borrowed!” I cut in with outrage.

“ _ Borrowed _ 23 pregnancy tests. Aren't you a... a... a shopkeeper, huh? And her friend by the way?”

Asra crossed his arms. “I'd rather not think even about that she fell for you of all people, so excuse me if I refuse to accept that you two sleep together. So no, I didn't even suppose she is pregnant.”

“Oh. Yeah, right,” Julian mumbled and blushed. But a moment later he picked me up and beamed. “Who cares? I'm gonna be a dad!! Oh my god! We have to tell everybody! We have to tell Pasha!”

“We will, don't worry. But first could you put me back down…”

“Now! We have to tell everyone  _ now _ !” He kicked the door open, almost knocking out a customer outside. “Oh damn, I'm so sorry! But my wife here is pregnant! I'm gonna be a father!”

“Congratulations…” the stunned customer murmured before Julian, still with me in his arms, jogged down the street to the market, informing every person unlucky enough to look his way. That is, given his behaviour, everybody.

“I'm gonna be a father! Hi!” he screamed to Selasi who went out from his bakery to see what an idiot was shouting. “[name]'s pregnant! We're gonna have a baby!”

Selasi waved at us. “Good luck!”

I was pretty sure he added ‘[name]’. Yeah, well, I'm going to need it.

Julian kept running and screaming like a madman to anyone close enough to hear him. And if we were alone on a street, he just murmured 'I'm gonna be a father' to himself. I suppose he was going to run and carry me the whole way to the palace. However, my body had other plans.

“Julian,” I tried to draw his attention to me. “Julian. Put me down.” He didn't hear me. “Julian! Put me down or I'll throw up on you!”

Unfortunately, he was too excited to listen to me in time and I did threw up on his shoes.

“Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry… Are you alright?”

I threatened him with a finger. “Pick me up again and I'll strangle you in your sleep.”

“Yes, of course, love, yes. I'm so, so, so sorry.”

“Alright.” I took a deep breath and wiped my mouth. I focused and removed the mess off Julian’s shoes with a clap of my hands. “Now, can you carry me? I'm exhausted. But don't run!”

“Right away, my dear.” He picked me up carefully and slowly headed to the palace. “Are you better?”

“Mhm,” I murmured, though I was tired, shaken and still sick, and I supposed I was going to be for the next nine months. “You’re so lucky that I love you.”

“Oh, yes, I am.”


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the "Oh my god"s.

"We really don't have to go if you don’t feel like it, darling,” Julian repeated for the hundredth time today, as he and Asra helped me down the stairs.

Yes, exactly. I needed _two_ persons at my sides to get down the bloody stairs. Up, too, to be honest. It was the ninth month, the end of it, the thirty-sixth week, _god damn it,_ and it was almost spring and the weather was driving me crazy. My belly was enormous. I was heavy, clumsy, constantly hot, sweaty, tired and uncomfortable. More interestingly, Julian claimed, tough I didn't remember any of that, that I’d been murmuring ‘Get out already’ in my sleep for a while now. Bold of him to assume I'd been having any sleep lately.

“No! We're coming,” I persisted. “It's your birthday. We've been preparing this party for weeks, and Asra's been practicing some sort of surprise magic trick for you.”

“[name]!” Asra exclaimed.

I just gave him an unimpressed look. “I'm literally bursting. How did you expect me to keep anything more in?”

“Don’t worry. I'll be very surprised, I promise,” Julian consoled him, then turned back to me. “One more step, my love, aaand we’re down. Are you alright? Would you like to sit down? Or maybe some water?”

“Oh gods, please, no,” Asra whined. “You gave her water twice already and each time we had to go back upstairs to the bathroom.”

Julian bristled. He became extremely protective of me since he found out I was expecting our child. To be more precise, since he made me throw up on him. Since then, he’d been treating me with absolute care and reverence and was ready to eliminate anything or anybody upsetting me.

So, I had to intervene. “He's actually right, Julian, dear. I'm not very thirsty and frankly, I'm sick of walking back and forth, too. Let's just go already, okay? Or we won't get there before sunset.”

“Whatever you want, love.” He kissed my hand, and we went to the carriage waiting outside. Nadia lent me it since getting anywhere on foot took me four times longer than usually and made me furious. Though the ride on the cobblestone was a nightmare, it was still better than walking. And much, much faster.

Julian and Asra helped me get inside. Or to be more exact, half-pushed, half-lifted me inside, and after barely seven minutes, we were on our way.

The party was organised in the secret garden, where Julian and I hid from the guards during one of our first meetings, and where he later proposed. It wasn't so secret anymore since Nadia heard the two stories and gave us the place as a wedding gift. Now, it was in so much better shape and all of us met there often when the days were hot, like today, on Julian’s birthday.

We were getting there in record-shattering time. I mean, we'd never been driving so long there. It was because every smallest vibration, every tiniest bump was crashing through me like an earthquake, and I groaned and begged to go slower and slower the whole way.

"If we go just a little bit slower, we'll stop!" Asra burst suddenly.

"We'll go sideways if it makes her feel better!" Julian snapped at him.

I burst out laughing. It was absurd, all of it. All of us. Me, Julian, Asra - we were terrible to each other, and I just couldn't stop laughing at us.

Julian hugged me and pressed a kiss to my cheek, delighted to hear me laugh for the first time in a week. Meanwhile, Asra stuck his head out the window.

"Quickly! She's distracted! Go, go, go!" he shouted to the coachman, making me laugh even more.

The carriage sped up and I felt so good that the bumps didn't even bother me that much. Luckily, thanks to Asra’s quick thinking, we were there within a minute.

"Now, gentlemen, you may proceed to remove me the hell out of here," I uttered in a mock-serious voice before I snorted and laughed.

"Of course, my sweetheart," Julian said absolutely seriously and went out to help me.

Asra had such a sour face that I snorted again and wiped tears from my eyes, but he held me nevertheless.

"Watch your step, darling," Julian said, making me burst again, even more hysterically.

"I can't see my step! I haven’t seen it in months!"

"Then never mind. Just hold me, I won't let you fall. You're almost down, a little bit more, and here we are."

"Could you…?" I outstretched my arms up to him. He bent down, and I took his face in my hands and kissed him. I realised I hadn't done it in days. "Thank you so, so much for taking such a great care of me. You're the best and I love you with all my heart."

Julian straightened with a lovely blush and a big smile on his face. "Anything for you, love."

"How about me? I can't get out," Asra spoke from behind me, still in the carriage.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm big. Come on already. We'll be late because of your whining," I said just to annoy him.

" _My_ whining??"

Julian wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led me into the garden. Inside, there were two long tables loaded with food and drinks and colourful packages. The columns and vines were decorated with paper flowers and glass lanterns made by Portia, which we were going to light up after sunset.

"Surprise!" Natiqa exclaimed in a singsong voice.

"Dear sister, I told you twice that it is not a surprise party," Nadia pointed out.

"That's why it's surprising for him to hear it. And it's nice, isn’t it Julian?"

"Absolutely, princess. Thank you very much."

"You're late!" Mazelinka waved at us the spoon, with which she's been stirring punch in a bowl of size of a drum.

"Yes, sorry it's my fault. I'm terribly slow," I apologised.

"But haven’t you got two grown up men at your sides? What were you two doing, you twits?!"

"Our best," Asra argued.

"Yes, I see. Now, come and do your best with those sandwiches, huh?"

Asra rushed to help. He seemed kind of relieved to leave Julian and I. Then, Nazali approached us.

"Hello, birthday boy. It's great to see you in good health finally."

"Thanks, doctor Satrinava. It's all thanks to this lady here."

"Of course. Hello, Mrs Devorak. How are you feeling? Are you sure you're not carrying twins? If I may, your belly is sizeable. Would you like me to check? This doctor here is more proficient with cut off limbs than new life."

"Hey! But… Oh, well, it's true."

"Thank you, but maybe let's take them all out and _then_ count them, shall we?" I asked with a fake smile.

"Oh, poor [name]," Portia was suddenly at my side. "Why this awful brother of mine makes you stand this whole time? Come on, there's a big, soft chair just for you." She took my arm and showed me to the chair.

"If it's too soft, I might sink in and never get up again, you know?"

"We'll worry about that later. You must be exhausted. Here we go, slowly. " She helped me lower onto the chair, which was enormous and fortified with cushions.

I slumped heavily into it and sighed. "Wow. See? I won't get up now."

"You don't need to. Now, let me bring you something to drink."

"Hey!" Julian came up with a miserable look on his face. "She's mine to take care of."

Portia shooed him away. "Go! Off you go! It's your party. Entertain you guests, have fun or something. It's my turn to spend time with my sister-in-law."

"Oh, alright…" he whined and turned to leave.

Then, she jumped. "Oh! Oh! Wait, wait!"

He snapped back to us. "What?! Something with [name]?"

"No, you dumbass. Come here." She wrapped her arms around his torso in a hug that knocked the air out of him. "I want to wish you a very happy birthday, big brother. I love you and I'm so proud of you and so happy for you. Don't mess it up."

"I won't, I promise. Thank you, little sister."

"Ohhh…" I breathed.

"Yeah, I know." Portia stepped away from Julian with a face of disgust, wiping her hands on her skirt, making him laugh. "My teeth hurt from all the sugar, too. Don't know what happened to me."

"Not 'aww', but 'ohhh'... _Ohh_ … Oh! Oh my god!" I touched my belly.

"What?! What is it?" Julian was at my side in split second, his eyes wide with fear.

"It started! I think it started!"

"Oh my god!"

"Oh my god!" Asra exclaimed, too, dropping the plate full of sandwiches back on the table.

"Quickly! Um, um… Pasha, Asra, help me get her up!" Julian commanded.

The two of them pushed their hands between my back and the chair, and started to push me forward, but I was too heavy, tired and shocked by pain to lift myself up.

"Asra!" the siblings shouted together to snap him out of his stupor.

He ran towards me, pale like death, and grabbed my forearms and pulled when they pushed. With their help, I managed to stand up. A second later, a contraction cut me like a knife and made me scream and bend in half. Well, as much as it was possible. My legs gave up and I would had fallen if the three of them didn't hold me.

"Quickly to the clinic!" Portia said.

"I'll command the carriage as close as possible," Nadia offered and ran outside.

"Come on, darling, just a few steps more. You can do it," Julian encouraged me with a strained voice.

"No…" I groaned so weakly that I barely heard myself, then screamed when another wave of pain hit me.

"The clinic's too far! We'll take her to my hut. There's everything we need," Mazelinka ordered.

I took a couple more steps which felt like running a mile. Before we even reached the gate, I screamed again, feeling as if I was burning alive. I barely noticed when Nazali stood by us.

"I'm afraid there's no time to move her anywhere. [name], may I?" they spoke in a serious, rushed voice.

I nodded, having no idea what I agreed to nor giving a flying fuck about it since I felt as if I was being ripped apart from inside.

"Excuse me then," they sighed, kneeled and put a hand under my dress. I was too pained and numb there to feel what they were doing but I could imagine. "Yes, I thought so."

"What? What is it?" Julian asked, evidently terrified but trying his best to keep calm.

"The breach is quiet wide already. It shouldn’t take long. Put her on the table."

"Clear the table everyone!" Mazelinka ordered and everybody who wasn't holding me or feeling my cervix ran to help.

"So soon? It's impossible." Portia doubted.

"TELL ME ABOUT IT," I screamed as another contraction almost swept me off of my feet.

"Can we lift her? Together, on three. One, two, three!" Julian commanded and the four of them lifted me up and met halfway the others who carried the table towards them.

They placed me gently on top of it. Julian propped my back against his chest and held me.

“You’re doing great, darling. You’re amazing,” he kept mumbling into my ear.

“No, I’m not! Make it stop! I want it over!”

“If I’m right, it’ll be over very soon,” Nazali said and stood at my legs. They held the hem of my dress. “May I?”

“JUST DO IT. Oh my _god_! I don’t care! Just make it stop! Make it stop, PLEASE.”

Nazali didn’t ask any more questions. They lifted my dress to my knees and checked my cervix once more. “You’re ready, [name]. When there’s the next contraction, push as hard as you can.”

“Already?!” someone exclaimed but I’d no idea who because I had a contraction and I pushed and wailed like a banshee. I grabbed Julian’s forearms and squeezed so hard I surely left bruises, but he didn’t even make a sound.

“Great! You’re so strong! [name], you’ve done worse than this,” he encouraged me.

“Perfect, [name]. Now breathe,” Nazali said.

I tried to inhale slowly but I just choked, whimpered and panicked. I couldn’t breathe!

Then, Julian hold my hands and squeezed them. “Breathe with me, love, breathe. In and out, in and out.” He set a quick rhythm, breathing through his mouth, and I picked it right away.

It was so much wiser than the standard, slow one I tried. And I felt the moves of his chest on my back and just did the same. I did it, I breathed, but still, I was terrified and in so much pain, that I crumbled and whimpered. “Julian, Julian… I’m scared. Make it stop.”

“I know, love, I know. I wish I could, I swear! But I’m here and I’m not letting you go. You’re doing great, you’re amazing and strong, and you know it. I’m here and I love you, and I’ll never let you go.”

“There should be another contraction,” Nazali warned me and wasn’t wrong.

A moment later, I felt it. I squeezed Julian’s hands and he squeezed mine back; I pushed and screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Yes! Just like this!,” they exclaimed. “One more time and you’re done, [name]. Just one more time!”

A few ‘just one more time’s, I lost my patience. “YOU LIAR! YOU’VE BEEN REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN!”

“Yes, yes, exactly! Scream! One more time!”

“YOU SAID IT A HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE!” Julian backed me up, and I think I fell in love with him all over again.

“One last push, I swear! I can see it!”

“You can?!”

“Finally!”

The one last contraction, really this time, came and I gave the best of so little I had left after giving my best the last hundred times. My head was spinning, my eyes were shut tight, we were squeezing our hands until they hurt, and it was ringing in my ears. I didn’t know if it was me or Julian screaming. And then, suddenly, it was over, and we heard the third scream. It was high-pitched, tiny, but loud and full of life. I opened my eyes and saw them. They were so small, all covered in blood, toothless but they were mine and I knew I loved them from the very first second I threw up because of them.

Nazali presented it to us, beaming. “Congratulations. A beautiful baby girl.”

For a moment, everyone was silent, only our baby kept crying.

"Oh my god, everybody, what's wrong with you?" Mazelinka was the first to move with typical for her determination and very unusual strained voice. She came up to Nazali and wrapped the baby in her shawl, and… she cooed. _Mazelinka_ , the old witch and pirate, the spoon bearer - she _cooed_ , and it wasn’t the post pain high talking, I swear to god. "Here, take her," she turned to Portia, who was staring at the baby with big, glassy eyes. "Here, carefully. A hand under the head. Very good. Now, take her to them. They want to meet her."

"Oh my god," Portia squeaked, when the baby squirmed in her arms. "Oh my god. Hi… Hi, little one. I'm your auntie, you know? Oh my god, guys!" she burst out crying. "I'm an auntie!"

I watched them mesmerised. Was she really out? Did I really made it? Was it really our child?

Portia handed me her with trembling hands, and I was relieved that I was sitting, because mine were shaking so much, too. I cradled her to my chest, carefully, fearfully. She was so _tiny_.

"Hello, sweetheart," I uttered. My throat was clenched with tears. Suddenly, I laughed. "Oh dear god, hello, you. I'm… I'm your mummy." I looked up at Julian, who was staring at her just like Portia, still speechless. "And this one here is your daddy," I introduced him, then.

On hearing this, Julian broke and half sobbed, half laughed. "I just can't believe it," he whispered. "I'm a daddy."

"Stop crying at her," Portia told him.

"I'm not crying at her. You are," he countered.

"May I see her, too?" I heard a quiet, tentative voice at my side.

I looked up to see wide-eyed, crying Asra. I smiled at him. "Of course you can! You're her uncle."

He covered his mouth with a hand. "Am I?"

"Sure you are," Julian answered, beaming. "You've done so much for [name]. And for both of us. Even though I know you hate me."

"I don't hate you," he said softly, giving him a small smile before he leaned over my shoulder to see the baby. "She's got your eyes, [name]. Those are exactly your eyes. And… Are those hair?" He moved away the shawl from her tiny head. "Oh my god, she's ginger."

Julian and Portia gave each other a high-five, making me laugh.

"She's gonna be a beauty, Ilya," Asra noticed, and Julian swelled with pride. "You'll have to watch out for all the boys in the city."

Julian tensed and frowned.

"Okay, okay," I laughed. "We'll worry about it later. In 15 years or so, alright?"

He smiled at me beautifully and gave me a kiss. "She's perfect, [name]. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much."

"I love you, too. And happy birthday."

"That's the best birthday I've ever had, my love."

Asra sighed. "And I've got only the stupid trick for you."

We assured him that it was alright, and we praised him when he performed it. Me, I was happier than ever before, I loved Julian more than ever (and I thought it wouldn't be possible), I loved my baby daughter more than life itself, and I was so relieved that she was born today because I completely forgot to get Julian a gift.


End file.
